Me And My Thoughts.

2012-01-25T05:51:00.000-08:00

A happy New Year......................I wish everyone of you A Very Happy New Year.It has been quite sometimes since I have written here.I like sunsets.I remember walking with my friend when I was about twelve or so having my hand on my friends shoulder and viewing a sunset.The walk was amongst railway tracks as we were children of railway employees.The grass was green all around and the sunset was visible as we walked near the track circle where engines were turned around.Another sunset was across the ocean at kanyakumari were I went on a visit.Across a river as I was travelling over a bridge in a train. They were beautiful days.I think it was the frame of mind that dictates our happiness.Little things.An ocean washing your feet and the crabs tickling your feet as the waves recede.A child who peeps slowly lifting her head across a train seat ahead.What beautiful eyes! A deers eyes, a cow's eyes they were all beautiful to look at.Let this frame of mind be there with me always.With all of you too.....Jayamala.

Just Now I Am.....

2011-12-04T04:24:00.001-08:00

Just now I came back from a walk tired.I wanted solace, comforting words. I was looking at my cell thinking "Whom shall I phone".Then the thought came here I am within you , saying I am all pervasive, everywhere in trees, rocks and silent deities, as you want to see me. Why don't you ever use me, talk to me?Yes, fool though I am i am aware that I must talk to him who is within me , ready to listen to my sorrows, console me and offer changes that occur as my strenghths.I am already o.k. now. So I thought here I have not written for a long time. So here I am if not fully refreshed at least standing up.Jayamala.

Some Time....

2011-09-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

Some time it is difficult to get started.You stop going to places, you stop talking to neighbours, you stop walking and because I am aware that I have reasons to be depressive I try to restart. Today is such an attempt.I do want to feel something not just be empty inside.So much empty space is inside me I do not know how to fill up.

I have to get up.

Jayamala.

After Some Time.

2011-06-25T06:41:00.000-07:00

I have been away a long time here.No words are there to be expressed.Time itself has no meaning now.So how could words be needed.Slowly and surely I am going away.But does that hurt? No, not at all. Pain when it has become a reality ceases to matter.So just be.

Jayamala.

Youth.

2011-04-13T07:47:00.000-07:00

Just now I saw the win by Kings XI Punjab against Chennai Super Kings who had posted a very competetive score of 188 runs.But Paul Valathy!!!!!11 Oh! How he batted.I thought today Adam Gilchrist will come to form and score.But it is youth that won the day.Prety Zinta was exciting to watch.A natural in her enthusiasm.

Jayamala.

A Sunny Day.

2011-03-02T00:13:00.000-08:00

A Sunny Day.
--------------

After the fall, as the leaves turns green,

A sunny day it is here.

A contrast with the remnant of chill from a winter gone,

The sun has come up strong and hot.

Like biting a chilli pepper accidently while one eat,

A repast that is cool but hot.

A contradiction?.Yes? Why not?

Life is here to teach me to love and be cool,

As it flies away in a vast list of hurts and longings.

So today I smile and tomorrow I might not log in???

Jayamala.

At This Spot....

2011-01-06T22:40:00.000-08:00

At this spot, I had stood on a new day,

It was but last year, a year that flew bad,

What with news of corruped souls,

What with news of crimes unsolved,

Does that matter to me? Sure as that made the year bad.

I stand again as a speck in a multitude,

watching happenings around me,

Can I do anything about it?

Yes! I can, if only to speak here.

I do have a voice unstilled though my soul is dead.

Doctor? Can you help me please?

Jayamala.

In Todays World.

2010-12-01T05:20:00.001-08:00

I am looking at the past some days news.Especially about the Wikki Leak.I think trasparency cannot be exercised to the maximum so long as different nations. color, caste and politics exist.whoever leaked these matters and comments did so to harm harmony in general.Being an Indian I am not surprised that Turkey kept us out of an Afganisthan related meeting.Possibly Turkey could be even dancing to some one else's tune.Dont we comment on our own family members to other family members.We do.But the family member with whom we discussed a certain other family member discloses that to the other member what happens.Deep freeze of course if the matter commented on was very hurtful and important, othewise all will quarrel for some days and then everything will be back to normality.Don't they?

Jayamala.

An Interesting Festival.

2010-10-22T07:12:00.001-07:00

I am talking about the Dussera festival which is celebrated as Navarathri festival for keeping dolls as "Kolu" display in Brahmin homes.This used to be the occasion in olden days for ladies and children and eligible girls to visit one another's houses and display their talents in music, and rangoli drawings.I am not somehow able to download some kolu pictures and so bear with me till I do so.

Jayamala.

Today In Perspective.

2010-10-09T06:21:00.000-07:00

I was watching two news itmes on racial issues.One about the South African swimmer who is in India to participate in the CWG.He had called the Indian viewers monkeys.I was thinking why?I thinking we over react for every stroke unlike others.There is no silent appreciation taught to the Indian psyche.So in any public sports display you see adulations are loud.Especially so as Indians have strted getting an identity now.I had a forward from one of my friends where Macaulay had observed the Indian psyche.He says that he did not see a single beggar and the moral values are high. But the Indian do not think that their culture is valuable and so the British can rule them with ease.
The second iten was the video clip of an Indian being elctrocuted and dying being forwarded by the Australian police personnel in web sites to deal with Indian students in Australia.I beleive that racism and hatred exists everywhere and so does concern and human values in all nations.

Jayamala.

After quite some time.

2010-09-15T01:17:00.000-07:00

I am here after some time.Not tht I did not have anything to say, but slowly I am finding things less enticing, even talking to me here.I feel that there is a detachment between the self and the mortal self.The "Self" knows it does not matter whether the mortal self is in pain or in pleasure or comfortable or not.More and more of this realization that I am the "Self" makes me want to "Just Be".There is nether happiness nor unhappiness.Just this "Being Here".

Jayamala.

A Forward about Racism.

2010-05-08T22:20:00.001-07:00

I have read a lot about various aspects of prejudices,and how human beings treat other human beings in the name of cast,religion and color.I am pasting a forward from one of my friend here.

Subject: Well done Oprah and British Airways
TWO TRUE STORIES ABOUT RACISM

1) I'm sure many of you watched the recent taping of theOprah Winfrey

Show where her guest was Tommy Hilfiger. On the show, she asked him if
the statements about race he was accused of saying were true.
Statements like'...'If I'd known African-Americans, Hispanics, Jewish
and Asians would buy my clothes, I WOULD NOT have made them so nice. I wish these people would *NOT* buy my clothes, as they are made for upper class white people'

His answer to Oprah was a simple 'YES'.
Where after she immediately asked
Subject: Well done Oprah and British Airways
TWO TRUE STORIES ABOUT RACISM

1) I'm sure many of you watched the recent taping of theOprah Winfrey

Show where her guest was Tommy Hilfiger. On the show, she asked him if
the statements about race he was accused of saying were true.
Statements like'...'If I'd known African-Americans, Hispanics, Jewish
and Asians would buy my clothes, I WOULD NOT have made them so nice. I wish these people would *NOT* buy my clothes, as they are made for upper class white people'

His answer to Oprah was a simple 'YES'.
Where after she immediately asked

Subject: Well done Oprah and British Airways
TWO TRUE STORIES ABOUT RACISM

1) I'm sure many of you watched the recent taping of theOprah Winfrey

Show where her guest was Tommy Hilfiger. On the show, she asked him if
the statements about race he was accused of saying were true.
Statements like'...'If I'd known African-Americans, Hispanics, Jewish
and Asians would buy my clothes, I WOULD NOT have made them so nice. I wish these people would *NOT* buy my clothes, as they are made for upper class white people'

His answer to Oprah was a simple 'YES'.
Where after she immediately asked

him to leave her show.

My suggestion? Don't buy your next shirt or perfume from Tommy Hilfiger.
Let's give him what he asked for. Let's not buy his clothes, let's put
Him in a financial state where he himself will not be able to afford the
ridiculous prices he puts on his clothes. BOYCOTT.
PLEASE SEND THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE YOU KNOW.

Then send it to the whole community that's not white people and see the result.
We have to see the result of unity.

Let's find out if Non-whites really play sucha small part in
the world. Stop buying any range of their (Tommy H etc) product, perfume, cosmetics,
clothes, bags, etc.,

2) Scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg and London .

A White woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man.
Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess..
'Madam, what is the matter,' the hostess asked. '
You obviously do not see it then?' sheresponded. '
You placed me next to a black man.
I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group.
Give me an alternative seat..'
'Be calm please,' the hostess replied.
'Almost all the places on this Flight is taken.

I will go to see if another place is available.' The Hostess went
away and t hen came back a few minutes later.. 'Madam, Just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is a seat in the business class.
All the same, we still have one place in the first class.' Before the womancould say anything, the hostess continued: 'It is not Usual for our
company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first
class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting.' She
turned to the black guy, and said, 'Therefore, Sir, if you would like to,
please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class.'
At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.

Both the above are true stories. IfYou are against racism, please send this message to all your friends;

Jayamala.

A Sordid Affair.

2010-04-08T21:55:00.001-07:00

I am talking about the Sania Mirza-Shoib Malik affair.Can anybody be more stupid than this Shoib Malik?Why did Sania choose to marry this idiot? Is she in trouble? I guess so.That is why the inevitable wedding.It is not that "Love Is Blind", but "Love Was Indescrete"?These two people scored over Tiger Woods for stupidity now.Tiger is now out with preparation for his Golf Open.What these two are going to do if money does not pour because of their career?

Jayamala.

Over My Shoulders.

2010-02-18T20:18:00.001-08:00

Over my shoulders, the trodden path is visible,

Grey and green and with autumn leaves and some spring greens.

The past looks so grey when sorrow stabbed my heart,

But suddenly the pain gives way to happiness so fresh.

A coffee well brewed, a story well told,

A friend ever at my call, and a book well written.

A love forlorn and an end so sudden the path is grey,

But life beckons and I am walking.

Jayamala.

Some Thoughts On Advertisements.

2009-12-23T23:38:00.000-08:00

I had written previousely about how I did not like that presentation of the teacher in a 'Surf Excel" advt.I do find some of these advts. too annoying and not exactly a taste of either India or Indian living.

1) The advt. where contraception is advertised as effective even after 72 hours.The Mother seems to advocate that too!!!

I shall write again.

Jayamala.

A Rain In The Making.

2009-11-18T20:50:00.000-08:00

A Rain is in the making,

The clouds are the ingredient darkened

Like Caramel sugar.

Add a wind strong and wild and you have,

A Rain in the kitchen of this world.

Passers by are weary and wards the rain,

With an umbrella held aloft,

Or with a rain coat on.

But the rain will be made the sky decides and patter,patter,

The droplets fall.

Jayamala.

A View From The Past.

2009-10-26T07:50:00.000-07:00

Over my shoulders, the trodden path is visible,

Grey and green and with autumn leaves and some spring greens.

The past looks so grey when sorrow stabbed my heart,

But suddenly the pain gives way to happiness so fresh.

A coffeee well brewed, a story well told,

A friend ever at my call, and a book well written.

A love forelorn and an end so sudden the path is grey,

But life beckons and I am walking.

Jayamala.

Lakshmi.

2009-10-03T05:50:00.000-07:00

Navarathri being over, I pray that let there be plenty of prosperity in this world.I am realizing of late that prosperity or no prosperity life goes on.Thw prayers done and the special Friday Pournamy prayers being done to invoke Lakshmi the goddess of prosperity is all needed at one level.But as I write this I am also aware that because I have no food problems I am able to philosophise like this.

A want is generated as the people wanting them are at that level of need.My worry can be how far I can spent on giving gifts and the gardner asking me for RS.400/ tomorrow to buy a second hand cycle.I always think why he was able to ask me?I would rather not present a picture inviting free money.Someone told me that Lakshmi stays with people who do not squander her.

Just my thoughts.I know I will end up by giving that four hundred rupees.

Jayamala.

My Thoughts On Advertisements.

2009-10-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

Iam nowadays seeing so many advertisements that are quite bad in presentation.For example there is an advertisement which shows a class and a student, a young boy asking why Rosie Miss is absent.Another informs that her dog had died.This boy goes to Rosie Miss's house and the teacher sits on the front stone steps sad and looking mentally sick with her dog's tie rope empty.The boy acts like a dog consoling the teacher rolling in the mud,fetching the ball etc.The advertisement is for Surf Excel the soap powder.But the teacher who should be a model to the students in courage looks to me like a mental case.

So also in another advertisement for pregnancy prevention( Unwanted),the Mother of the girl advises her get it terminated.I think this advertisement also is bad as it condones and shows a girl a method to indulge in and rectify.I did read in some papers that the Govt. had objected to this advt.But so far nothing is done and it is being shown.

I realize that India is vast and so many such bad media does happen without anyone realizing.But shouldn't we do something.So I am blogging here.

Jayamala.

A Search For Navrathri Dolls.

2009-09-14T07:48:00.000-07:00

I write this to correct the information found in websites regarding Navrathri dolls available in Panruti a village near Vilupuram in Tamil Nadu.After seeing information regarding the dolls ( we in our younger days knew about the Panruti dolls which are dolls out of clay and painted ), went to this village.Since no train reservations were available we went from Mysore to Erode and then stayed for the night at Tiruchirappaly reaching there for the night by catching another bus.From Tiruchirappaly there is a train to Viluppuram at 6.30 A.M. and after landing there went straight to this village Panruti.Of course we were puzzled on the way by not seeing any shop selling these dolls.Anyway the auto rickshaw man when enquired did take us to the single artisan living there.This artisan informed us that the artists making such dolls are all gone away from the village and he makes the dolls on receipt of orders.He said that manpower is unavailable for such work now and informed us that we have to go to Kanchipuram or Pondichery to get dolls.In Pondichery there was an exhibition going on since September 2ND and we will get those dolls though the quality will not be like his.He was indeed proud of his work though no pieces were there available to see.He with one labourer was making some dolls which were wet and uncoloured.

Anyway his guidance was helpful as Pondichery being only 33 K.M. away from Panruti we went by bus and as he said saw the exhibition which was well organized and purchased the dolls.So folks Panruti is out of the dolls map.Thank God we did not go to Vandipalayam another village mentioned in the net.Net folks correct yourselves.

Jayamala.

2009-08-18T06:34:00.000-07:00

The rains have started here.Day before yesterday it was very heavy and lasted the whole night and the drizzling continued till morning.Today evening too it rained though it did not continue.The climate is beautiful.Cloudy skies.When the clouds have gone it is a blue sky with white cotton clouds.So lovely to watch.I went out and watched a few times,this display of beauty in nature.

I had just cut the grass in the front lawn and because the rains had come the grass is sprouting beautifully too.Nothing like watering by nature through rains for plant health.At these times I have silence in my mind.

Jayamala.

In Retrospect.

2009-08-13T05:47:00.000-07:00

In Retrospect.
------------------

I look back at yesterdays,

The past, with colored goggles.

I see darkness and the eyes are sightless.

I look back at the present,

No sunshine, only cloudy haze.

Why so?
The mind works overtime.

The future beckons and I see it will be the same.

For when the past overlaps with the present,

The present leaps and is one with the future,

All things are stale and putrid.

Wash them over, will you?

Sorrow.

2009-07-21T06:37:00.001-07:00

She was old and her hands are gnarled now.

Her mind is blank and she has nothing to say.

She looks down most times and seldom does she think.

The old woman must be once pretty,

For her features are good.

She waits always at the same place,

Waiting for a morrow that never dawns.

Why so/For her light has gone out.

Her son, her son, he had gone before her.

Jayamala.

This Day For Me.

2009-07-12T07:02:00.001-07:00

This day was very lonely and not so very peaceful for me.I went for Sunday meditation.But when I think without this superficial feeling I find this day like all the days to come.Colorless and with no qualities.When I color it with my superficial self this day is as I said not very peaceful or happy.But when I detach myself and see around like that floating cloud or the breeze passing by, the days are just there.I am beginning to understand this fact of existence.So I just am here.

Jayamala.

A Gateway Called Life.

2009-07-07T05:29:00.000-07:00

I am finding more and more silence in me.It is so especially when I start thinking of Rajesh.It has been raining here and the climate resembles Ooty.Chilly floors.I do not wear sweaters though.Some how I could read Mary Higgins Clark's mystery novels and finish them.I also could read Mitch Albom's books(For One More Day,The Five People You Meet In Heaven, and Tuesdays With Morrie.) too.I found one more day to my liking as I saw myself as that mother.

I am being a recluse not wanting to go out and mingle with people. My walking sojourns have stopped, though I want to start then again for health reasons at least.Is there a gateway in this life.Just now I was reading Osho's opinion as today is Guru Poornima day and "Star Of Mysore' had published it.He just says that do get up and live this life.

I think perhaps life itself is a gateway to pass through.Purpose?I agree there with Osho.No purpose.Walking through life itself is the purpose.

Jayamala.

2009-06-26T06:27:00.000-07:00

He was a fan of Michael Jackson.His study had Jackson's picture poster.He introduced me to Michael Jackson's dancing and songs.All Jackson's audios were in his possession.I do hope both will see each other now.

Jayamala.

A View From Here.

2009-06-15T07:20:00.000-07:00

I am sitting near the window and looking out.The view from here at this time of the evening is one of tranquility.The lights are on in some houses across the street.There is slight breeze stroking the leaves of plants in my garden.

Some of the best views were always from my memory.I see the old man walking for exercise.I see the child and the mother returning from school,the mother bringing the child home.I see the street vendors going across with vegetables, Rangoli powder, and old plastics exchanging new plastics to householders.

This view is life.Immaterial of the one viewing it across life goes on.

Jayamala.

A Day To Remember You By.

2009-06-08T23:37:00.000-07:00

This day had begun by being sunny.Because of the recent rains, a carpet of green is around our house.The lawn is green with evenly cut grass.I watch the 20 Twenty cricket remembering you.Australia and Bangladesh are out of the world cup.Lat year I did not watch any matches.Year before last too no matches were watched.But now I am slowly watching movies in English channels,and IPL cricket which happened in South Africa and now some World Cup Cricket in England.Roger Federer won the french open too.

This house also looks as if you have been here. I can transfer memories to rooms here.I can project myself to be there too, including our staircase.We used to sit there watching the sky at night when the power cut was there.

I have started going to Satsanghs on Sundays too from 30-04-09. onwards too.Today is another 9TH.Let the dates come and go and let each day fall one after another.Perhaps I will be again with you.Why this perhaps?Because after reading and experiencing everything I am not sure about us human beings as having life elsewhere and meeting again.But I want to have you as my son always.

Jayamala.

The Twenty-Twenty Fever.

2009-05-21T06:45:00.000-07:00

I have always been a die hard fan of cricket.I do watch tennis too.Now a days I have been watching football too.But like my affection for Mukesh as a singer, inspite of Raffi as a great singer, so too cricket remains my passion.I think by introducing the club format in Twenty- twenty format, barriers about nations have been broken just like in football.So I can have many affiliations with one wee bit soft corner preference. That way I think Sha Rukh Khan lost out in expecting too much from his team. It was after all a game and they did well after he left with grand wins over Chennai and Rajasthan Royals.

It is not enough if you are the owner of a team.You must be sportive enough to give the team leeway to be players first and winners next.I hope Shah Rukh watched those stunning performances of his team.One more lesson as I watch the games in progress is that only some have clicked in all the teams and so the vagrancy.Perhaps that is the charm of being Twenty always.Youth.....is always Twenty- Twenty? and error prone.

Jayamala.

An Attempt at Painting.

2009-05-15T04:35:00.000-07:00

When I had been emotionally down,I had attempted to paint.Of course in water colour as that was the easiest material available.I did paint a bird, a landscape and a coconut palm lined village pathway.The last one was good enough to be hung on the wall.It was a little too brown and black in colour.

So also I took up blogging not only as an outlet for my feelings but to beat depression at times.There have been stories and a novelette written too.There is still an incomplete venture at a novel.

How to activate a mind trying to die?To be dead seems harder too.I did read an Osho piece where he advises to live at 'this"moment.But the moments that confront me are listless and so listless life tend to be.

I do want to get up and walk away towards a sunset.

Jayamala.

A Storm Is Brewing.

2009-05-09T02:04:00.000-07:00

A storm is brewing in this consciousness,

A silent storm of confrontation.

A freedom is due and is to be taken,

Its cost, the little dot in the left forefinger.

When everyone votes for decency, it will be ensured.

But where to identify that?

I just hate this party system,

And this silent trade running for purchases.

I wish a Mahathma to be reborn ,

Or even a King who can rule just,

But perhaps that cannot be.

But there will come a day when things will change,

For change is the norm of every life and its systems.

Jayamala.

The Art Of Placating People.

2009-04-14T06:08:00.001-07:00

The art of placating people is learnt the hard way.It stars from the time we are young.You give a good pencil to your sibling to stop him crying and complaining to your mom, as you took his pen.Later if he was old enough and is faster learning the art of demading better than you, you end up with lending your bicycle to him for an hour in exchange of him not telling mom that you bunked the classes to see a film.

By the time you marry one becomes a fullfledged placator with the art being exercised with your hubby when he asks for accounts about how you can spend so fast his money.What do you do to placate?You cook, not him I mean though you try to, but food and you know the old adage," a full stomache is the way to a man's heart".Hm....

Then life comes full circle and you are a mother placating kids.Kids....you know!!!!Buy the boy a new shirt, allow him to go play a cricket match, while you pray your husband wont notice his absense at home.Thank God the girl need not play cricket.But she goes to films with boys, of course other friends are there.Here again pray and pary.

God needs placating too.For all your mistakes and over spending if there is no God, you wont be alive now.Right????

Jayamala.

Just Something Nice.

2009-04-12T05:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday is gone,

And today shall be fine.

Just tell me something nice,

Which will not be politics,

Filmy,or philosophic.

I would like to hold on,

This day with something nice,

That shall not relate me,

To a past that was in error,

Or a future that is yet to be.

But today I want to be nice,

So here I am wearing a new dress for you,

With rememberence of just this moment with you.

Jayamala.

Ragging.....A pathetic Torture Method.

2009-04-11T05:53:00.000-07:00

Just now I saw one more pathetic report about ragging,prevalent in campuses in India.This happened in PSG College of Arts and Science.The boy was hit with stone, rolled down steps and beaten and he had lost sight in his eyes.

I am thinking of the violence getting exprssed here.The boys must have been so violent in nature to have done this to another boy.I think strict supervision and strict powers to enlist the rules are needed to condone this type of happenings. It is as good as killing that new comer boy.

I feel sick seeing and hearing of these things.Recently one boy had died in the N.E. university and the acse was widely published.

I condemn the boys who did this to that newcomer joining college to bear similar sorrows if only there was a God.

Jayamala.

A Starry Night.

2009-04-10T06:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen a starry night.City dwellers do not often get to see them, unless one chooses to sit in a balcony at night without lights and look up at the sky.Lovely to say the least.I prefer going to the top of the building and sitting there watching the stillness around with only the stars for company.

I remember the days I sit on the starcase too and looking at the sky without having the staircase light on.My son will be sitting on the second step and we will be talking, me just rumpling his head.Lovely companionshop, and so cosy a friendship between mother and son.

A starry night induces in us a sense of wonder at this universe and one does feel aloof though has an umblical chord running, connecting us with this world.

I miss those nights and the nights does beckon me to be with my son, away amongst those stars perhaps?

Jayamala.

I shall not.

2009-04-05T06:32:00.000-07:00

I shall not entreat you again,

To be with me and watch this pain.

I shall part with you,

Since you want it so.

I shall not wear flowers in my hair,

For you will not smell them.

Neither shall walk towards a sunset,

For we part ways here.

Lest you forget, I just remind you,

That you were just a flower in my garden.

A flower where I lingered,

For a while, as we passed each other.

Jayamala.

At This Time Of My Life.

2009-03-19T03:14:00.000-07:00

At this time of my life I see everything as a little bloated.My loves were bloated, my hatreds were bloated and everything was a size more to use a "cloths' language.It is the emptiness in all things around that make you see so.I wish i will stop seeing such images.

At this time of my life I wish i was someone else too without all that anger in me.So also the ambition.Both did not benefit me.The anger drained me and the ambition took me where I did not want to be.

At this time of my life I feel restless to surpass and know what is there beyond?Beyond the so called "LIFE".It was because a young "Life" went beyond this "Life" much before I expected.

At this time of my life I want to go slow and without physical pain.

I do hope I can hold a little something that will lessen this pain of holding nothing.

Jayamala.

Let Me Say Those Things.

2009-02-27T08:45:00.000-08:00

I do not like these things.Let me list them.

1) I do not like the hype surrounding the cricket team of India.I felt that they will be defeated by NewZealand.

2) I feel the media overplays its role many times.There were better films than the "Slumdog" and they did not get the Oscar.None of the media had highlighted this aspect too.

3)Bollywood need not dominate our opinions.

4)Politicians are becoming more and more calibre less.I rue this.

5)We can live with less cars and less petrol.

6) Environmental pollution is a concern.Let us bring the concept of celebrating "Vanamahothsava" in our school and plant trees.

Jayamala.

Some Notes On Entertainment.

2009-02-18T06:25:00.000-08:00

Of late I have been watching some good movies in English.I watched,1)Code,The Cleaner,2)Sweet Home Alabama,3)Dark water,4)When Harry met Sally,5)the Pelican Brief etc.Most movies were really good in story line and the Hollywood people do say it straight.

Compared to these movies sometimes I find both Hindi and Tamil movies boring.I have no continuing inclination to watch.Malayalam movies seems to be better that the Hindi and Tamil movies.I am a real Desi Indian as much in love with my country, but we are highly dramatic and unnecessarily lenghthy.These are only my personal comments.

Jayamala.

I Just Want To Be.

2009-02-08T05:42:00.000-08:00

I just want to be at a little distance today,

So I will not speak or even think,

This day breaks in slowly at first,

But moves in a hurry.

There was nobody to care and nothing to hold onto,

So the whisper is there that it does not matter,

If I do not speak or feel.

A little loneliness is but a grea distance to cross on.

Jayamala.

This Day Was born.

2009-01-30T06:30:00.000-08:00

Today sixtyone years ago, the Mahathma was shot dead.Everytime I see comments that are so bewildering.In Today's eveninger called'Star Of Mysore',somebody was blaming the Mahathma for giving reigns to westernised JawaharLal.I see so much immaturity in this statement.Are 'isms' created by individuals or are they named after that individual attains a certain status?

What are wrongs and rights? And who should judge?Aren't there political immaturists who are ruling this country.Somehow I have started hating anlyises ,especially when you are not living at that time and you are an onlooker after nearly half a century atleast.

Jayamala.

A Silent Day.

2009-01-18T03:24:00.001-08:00

This day is sunny,

And so my curtains are drawn.

I am alone with heat around me,

With silence born of nothingness.

Jayamala.

An Option.

2009-01-15T04:09:00.000-08:00

We all have options in life.We can be friendly or unfriendly.We can be familiar or just reticent and shy.Some of the options are unconscious and manifest automatically.I have been thinking about the option for interaction via the web.The thoughts have been rather emphasised as I am reading a story by Mary Higgins Clark's novel called"loves Music,loves dancing'.A crime occurs as the girl answers an advt. in the personal column.

The personals in the papers seeking friendship and love becomes dangerous.So also I think is a net friendship.Why? Because one has the option to be someone else even with slightly altered half truths.It is a self satisfying and also a dangerous option when one opts to be seen in live presense.I think one really does not know another through the web.It is not like meeting,my neighbour's sister-in-law who dropped in yesterday simply because she has seen me.

So i take the option with a pinch of salt.

Jayamala.

Of Frauds and Foul Plays.

2009-01-08T03:41:00.000-08:00

I was following the Satyam Computer's fraudulent image brought into the open.The question that arises is where were the auditors?Also the banker's to whom the annual balance sheet should be given.I think just like a very small man defrauding the Bank after taking a loan and moving off to another city, this ajor I.T. company too defrauded easily.I used to worry about the Poojari loan mela's in Banks.There were lots of loans given to moving population like a vegitable vendor, Iron shop man, and coconut vendors etc.Some really did well and paid and lots did not.Mostly Banks were providing for them as bad debts.

Now Satyam defrauding by showing revenue that was not earned at all, maens here is a man who just inflated his product and was defunct in a day.At this time I remember the suicide of a major film maker who was Mani Rathnam's( I hope I am correct as to the identity),G.V.Iyer? because he could not repay the loans he took.So too Silk Smitha an actress( Vamp actress) who fell prey to money lending and not getting it back.So money is a cause for downfall and misery.

Jayamala.

Another Year Ends.

2008-12-31T02:10:00.001-08:00

Another year closes today.I am not specially attached to year ends, and for me nothing special is there except that a new calender is necessary.I usually buy a date calendar in Tamil language and another sheet calendar in Malayalam language.This year I have got a bank calendar already and it is duely hung.

Today being Wednesday i go to meditation and tomorrow being 1ST and a Thurseday I go for my sitting.I thik it is good enough a start.I usually watch some channel offering entertainment for the year end.The most precious of my life is gone and it was for him that I used to wait for the year end celebrations to be over past midnight.My celebration then used to be before he goes out, with fruit bowls with custard and cakes and vadas and some soft drinks.

So the year ends and one more year starts.Let there be Happiness around and less violence in this world will be my wish for today.Of resolution I usually make none, but this year I want to continue my walking which I had left for some time now. I think I will do it.

Jayamala.

Of Ceremonial Functions.

2008-12-27T09:18:00.001-08:00

I had attended an 80TH birthday celebration of an aunt of mine recently.The son of the aunt had arranged a number of functions for this celebration.Of these the concluding day function was Bhagavat seva.Though it was called colloqually that it was actually 'Bhagavathi" seva as the invocation was for the Devi.

I liked this pooja very much as the decoration around the lamp on which Devi is invoked was superb.Of course the format followed is usually the 'Sri Chakra' figure done with Rangoli powders or kumkum and turmeric powders with flowers in abundence with a new sari wrapped around.

I see in these functions relationships getting renewed and the underlying sense of the "we" of the family.Perhaps that is what the westerners miss when family does not get recognition there.

Jayamala.

At The Height Of Fame.

2008-12-21T08:04:00.000-08:00

I always think that at the height of fame, human being has pride.Pride of acheivement, and a sense of fullfillment and accomplishment.Somewhere only failure teaches man to be humble.Sorrow teaches man to search for meaning and poverty teaches man to work relentlessly for success.

My recent thought about 'loss' was running somewhat like this.A very great 'loss' entitles one to know the worthlessness of all possessions.Somewhere joy is lost and we are humbled.I grieve knowing well that sustenance is only a myth and all philosophy just a medicine.A deep wound heals only if one wills it.

Jayamala.

Time Marches On.

2008-12-14T05:32:00.000-08:00

The terrorising of Mumbai is over.Politicians are discussing how to stop it recurring again.In every news channel debates are on about what, why and how such things occur.I read about a sane writing by M.J.Akbar.It did console me that sane persons are still around.

What is religion? It is faith postulated by society to enable man to follow some discipline.For discipline is a must for the social fabric.As long as this holding together of the social fabric is achieved what other purpose does religion serve? A crutch is just to hold and walk.Why so much violence because of it?I think mankind will come with some other bonding factor than religion to hold on to now.

I admire the little things people do to save another in times of crisis.I hope time will throw up something that does not hurt anyone.

Jayamala.

An Empire In Ruins.

2008-12-05T22:36:00.000-08:00

I had been to see the Hampi ruins and the nearby Badami caves, Aihole complex of ruins recently.It was a marvellous trip and sight.The red sandstone hills around the Vijayanagar empire ruins just speak out its glory silently.

The trip was for three days and the first day was spent at Hampi.The Hoysala architecture shows its early evolution through the stones.Oh! The boulders!!!! Just beautiful.Next day it was the Badami caves and Aihole complex.Here the architecture changes as it represents Chalukya architecture.The caves are just beautiful to say the least.Each one speaks of a story.I was wondering what would have happened in those times and what marvellous leisure and life style must have prompted the creation of such wonderful structures.To say the least, I was proud to be an Indian with so much history to be proud of.

Next day the remaining part of Kishkinda and the Anjanadri hills where Hanuman was supposed to have been born was visited.605 steps and I could do it and come back by 35 minutes.I have just posted the chariot picture at Hampi and more will follow as I write here.

Jayamala.

A Love Poem.

2008-11-22T06:20:00.000-08:00

It was just you and me,

A loneliness that was unsurpassed.

I saw your eyes looking away,

To a future in a world tortuous.

Can I share it?For love is but a mission,

When fullfilled, it has no space,

For anyone but for reality.

Dreams awake to a wet morning,

To own a soul that was turbulant.

So I go away from here,

To an unknown journy,

Without any reservation,

And no stops in between.

Jayamala.

At Rest.

2008-11-16T08:38:00.001-08:00

The journey is done and I rest now,

I must get ready after this rest,

For another journey, destination unknown.

There is no perturbance nor anticipation,

For I know this journey will be done.

After that there is more rest and no journey at all.

I await you now sweet journey final.

Jayamala.

A Movie Review.

2008-11-13T01:58:00.000-08:00

I had some time this morning and since I thought I will relax, I chose to watch a movie in the channel 'Kairali', a Malayalam channel.The movie was titiled' Sunil-aged 20'.It was about a youth who is addicted and how he does two crimes,one that of phoning a married woman entreating favours and then kidnapping her child.Directed by Bharathan who is a famous director in Malayalam cinema, this movie about one or two decades back was taken well.

I liked it for its content and the actors Rahman and Urvasi looking great and playing the woman have done well.Somehow Rahman fitted the part of the youth.It was his mother's neglect of him in his youth that pushes him to addiction and later just a crime done for fun.It made me think of the importance of parenting.Also the need to be a comapnion and confident of the children is to be recognized by the parent.In this age of communication perhaps talking and knowing one's children is a necessity.

As a next step the teacher also need to be one knowledgeable in matters relating to adolence and must give time to the youngsters.But the age seems to be an age for hurrying up.So the errors.

Jayamala.

The Restless Wind.

2008-11-08T08:44:00.000-08:00

The Restless Wind.
.....................
The sound and the fury was outside,

The restless wind was howling by,

It was pouring, the world in deluge,

But the wind was in anger.

It howled as it saw weak trees,

And it felled and recked houses ,

As it howled by,in fury.

I was speechless as my thoughts were,

Furious as the wind, and my weakness,

Felt as temptations and greed and anger,

Did fell me too like the howling wind.

A Frozen Beauty.

2008-11-07T04:18:00.001-08:00

Being in a hot country, I love the snow.I came across this picture in a forward.Nature looks still and glazed when it is covered by snow.When it is hot,nature looks alive with green branches and sometimes brown branches shedding yellowing leaves.My backyard has four eucaliptus trees and it has started shedding leaves and it is making me work daily cleaning the yard.But I love the smell it emnates when being swished about.So I am not angry at all having this extra work as bonus for those trees.

My previous house had trees in front on the sides of the street.There too though beautiful, it always was extra work.But they too looked beautiful as it laid during flowering time in April and October yellow blossoms, that will look as though the street is laid with carpet.Again a bonus to the eyes though work to the hands when clearing the front side of the compound wall.

Life is like that.It comes with its misries but a bonus is there in those miseries.You look at the beautiful side and then take the misery.Perhaps I must say, the bonus was in the beauty and not in the aftermath of the beauty.

Jayamala.

A Time To Remember.

2008-10-30T10:21:00.000-07:00

Yes,It is time to remember again,

But these words are obsolate,

Only if remembering was in past tense,

Can we opt to remember again.

But you are still in my present.

So a word is used because of the gap in time of phisical presence.

Oh! I know not how I will express it,

This absence that is eternal pain in me.

I do not mind, as this weight will be born,

By me an old mother.So be it.

Jayamala.

Today.

2008-10-23T11:08:00.001-07:00

Today I am a bit lonely,

But for someone to share thoughts,

A friend perhaps? Or a passerby?

Anonymity is but a disuise,

Effectively worn to protect,

A vulnerable heart.

I am a bit lonely,won't you talk?

Or just be with me,I yearn, but will not say it.

For none shall know a lonely heart.

Jayamala.

To A Crane.

2008-10-21T10:30:00.001-07:00

I saw you today in animation,

Bigger than life, and flapping wings.

I am also a crane,waiting in a muddy field,

It is called life,podering on death.

Why am I here? Why was he not here?

Both questiond remain with me.

Life and death,they say are but facettes,

Of a coin,two sided,for you know a coin,

Is never one sided.

Jayamala.

Aside To You.

2008-10-16T11:04:00.001-07:00

I speak in an aside to you.

You to whom it is meant.

I have my doubts and fears.

As I am alone and you not approachable.

I ask you 'Why my Son?Why did you have to go so early,

Was that day so important? Were all your duties done?

Jayamala.

It Is Raining.

2008-10-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

It was Dusserah time at Mysore.But it rained as usual to such an extend that, I need not water my potted plants.Dusserah makes Mysore beautiful.People are rushing through everywhere.It never used to be like that.People have stopped enjoying anything leisurely.Even leisure is a hurry through.

Raw peanuts are avilable during this time.So also chrysanthum flowers.Because Onam is just passed, even vegetables like 'kavathu' was available in the market.I bought today only Kerala vegetables.Yam, Kavathu, Small onions and sweet potatoes,including white ash gourd and red pumpkin.I saw on the road big straw berries too,but did not stop to buy.After all everything and every taste has a limitation.It can wait.

Happy Onam and Happy Dusserah to All.

Jayamala.

From Afar.

2008-09-11T09:30:00.001-07:00

From afar i watched it flit about,

This winged beauty all alone.

It has but a day to live,

It knows that,and so it flits about.

If only I am a butterfly,

And know not what is in store,

I too can fly with a happy frame,

And sit on dreamy flowers in this life.

So from afar I see a destiny,

That is different than mine,

Death does come nearer and nearer,

But I know ,I am not a butterfly.

Jayamala.

Some Thoughts On The Media.

2008-09-06T03:54:00.000-07:00

I was watching T.V.the other day.One advertisement showing a small boy exploring the eggs of a bird attracted me.I think such advertisements in the light of our diminishing birdlife is not good.I am yet to come across a city lad who knows to climb a tree.The only available greenery in the city is the parks.The advertisement was for ensuing 'freedom' by using a particular network.So definitely the boy is from a city.Supposing they had shown a village boy,at least I can imagine him with some access to greenery where a bird's eggs can be tampered with.

It is the hype about 'concepts' that I am talking about.Freedom as a hype,learning( super learning) as a hype.There was even an advertisement about a teacher teaching through a cell phone.I live in a country with a huge population.Teachers should be appointed and school teaching made worth while as an occupation.Instead technology(we are way behind in essential technology),but mod technology of a cell phone usage is glamorized.What to say?

I read at the same time Goverment hospitals abandoning sick persons,leaving them near their village or just in some abandoned places as these patients have no money for treatment and they are sick probably with incurable ones needing attention.It is not a private hospital who did the abandoning but Goverment hospitals with at least someone signing a discharge.Where is humanity?

Jayamala.

To A Silent Night.

2008-08-24T03:43:00.000-07:00

Something woke me,

A moon beam shines outside my window.

A silent night that but spoke to me in whispers.

My heart was heavy with him like the shadow of silence.

Night,how could you be so silent?

When I cry in pain,with my precious lost forever?

Forever is but a name for loss.

For whatever you hold does go through your grasp.

The grasp is never firm and one would not know,

How does one let go,of things held in embrace.

This is no lesson learnt,but is taught,

By the master teacher,the silent night.

So do not chatter with your mind,

Let go,let go of everything,

For then you have satsfaction ,

For holding only for a while this silent night.

Jayamala.

A Little Concern.

2008-08-05T04:24:00.000-07:00

I went for a condolence today.Parents in next street had lost their grown up son due to fungus infection in lungs at a hospital that is well known.How fungus infection?He had been admitted immedietely on pain and is in crisis by that night itself.Actually the father had been asked by the son himself to go as he felt o.k.The father returned and again took the journey with the mother same night at 3.30.Actually next day early morning.By the week end boy is no more.Could not the doctor's do anything?Was there some thing more concealed to us neighbours?I do not know.It gave me a sleepless night.The parents had returned bringing the daughter-in-law and the 3 year old kid yesterday.I saw lights in their house visible when viewed from my house and went to see them today.I had been totally upset.

I feel there is something wrong with this sort of loss.God! Is there a God?Old age and how many more years to go by?What emptiness in life.

Jayamala.

Highlighting Today.

2008-07-25T01:37:00.000-07:00

A sense of well being is my feel today.Since it has started raining here the weather is cool.The trees in my street look green and a slight breeze make them wave their branches at you.There has been a construction of a house going on next to my house.This site had been for so long empty,I always had problem maintaining it garbage free.In fact I had spent some money everymonth for its upkeep.So I am happy to see it constructed.

It does make me look at the life of a worker too.Even in slight rain drizzling they worked as the cement with sand had been mixed already and size stone foundation masonary need be finished on that day itself.Since the slush made it difficult to walk with the load on head,one worker was strewing some sand on the walking path.Some one just said 'Rs,50 worth sand'?He replied 'suppose I fall down and break my legs'?.I was watching this conversation from the staircase.Yes, I thought he will break his leg and will be out of work too.So let the Rs.50 worth sand go.Today there is not much work as the foundation laid has to set in.

I tried watching a movie but the CD was not good.They do sell such Cd's here.So here I am typing my day.A sort of peace has started settling in with me and I have to preserve it.That is why in all meditative programmes and in life management teaching they highlight 'satsangh'.For it is important that the mind being what it is,vagrant and unsteady the 'conditioning' is maintained.This sort of gave me my answer for my guilt in bunking satsaghs since two months.Also I do feel 'thoughts',even philosophical thoughts have to be continuousely nurtured.

This knowledge has made me get up today and try at my own efforts for having my mind under my control.I also have to aim at continuous retention of balance.I have come to the edge of this life and there is nothing more to look at.No negativism this is but do not look or search for positivism too.Little pleasures are out and it is time not to look back and wish that everything was different.It does give me some thing to study further.But the trees in my street continue to wave at me and I see light reflected everywhere.Perhaps that is the answer.

Jayamala.

In Clouds.

2008-07-18T06:10:00.000-07:00

There was a rainbow in my life,

It vanished as the clouds gathered.

Ir rained that night and lightening fell,

It must have fallen amidst fields,

There must have been some clamour too.

Life in a cloud is never safe,

For though there was a rainbow,

The storm did lash me,tossing me up.

Oh! to be safe! I wish to be elsewhere.

Jayamala.

A Hibiscus.

2008-06-27T23:22:00.000-07:00

I love hibiscuses.Because of the hybrid varieties grown,nowadays,these flowers are having very different hues.But I love the orange one though I have shown a pink one here.

The leaves of a hibiscus bush is used to shampoo one's hair and I still do it when I find inclined to do so.The hair does look shiny and just silky to touch.One might feel like lying down and just shut one's eyes and just be thoughtless on such a day.It is the luxury of doing nothing.

Jayamala.

Of Late.

2008-06-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

Of late I am reading crime as reported by the media.I am watching them in T.V.'s too and reading in Newspapers too.I am unable to comment on whether it is good to report so elaborately interfering in police investigations.In what way is this interference?The police new perhaps to limelight just revealed all they know and there have been judgement by the public including S.M.S 'ed opinions and discussions.Unfortunately the the cases did not get solved.

I feel the role of the parents become so important in such an open society.I also feel anger management should be given some place in curriculam too.Also in work places.One T.V. showed the supposed actions by the supposed criminal step by step.I could not watch it and I wonder what must be the emotions of others including children,teenagers who watch them?I hope this country looks at itself sometimes now which is imminent,lest you have a monster of a problem of abnormality on hand.

Jayamala.

A New Perception.

2008-06-07T00:16:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about 'Happiness',and 'Unhappiness'.Today I was watching a channel as I was surfing the T.V.The woman talking was saying that the defenition of 'happiness' is the state of mind depending on external resources.Real happiness does not depend on external sources.

I am working on this.

Jayamala.

A Conclusion.

2008-06-03T23:53:00.000-07:00

"Yesterday is gone,Today is Just Being and Tomorrow is Yet To Be".......This quote is my own.
I am having this thought since many days.I have been reading philosophy since some years now. I have been practising meditation too since last 15 years.Since I always think,I have tried to get a proper perspective on this life and its meaning through my anlysis of all I read and applying them to life situations.I was getting perturbed that most times I am not able to implement what I think is right because the people in relatioship with me has not been agrring with what I want to be applied.

So in order to practise what one wants in day to day relationships,what I have found is that if one person is dominating in a household that person's principles are what get implemented.So sometimes I can be 'good'only within me.I have landed on many occasions in situations where I am unable to implement what I preached or promised.As an example I can quote the action of letting a house for rent.I just see that house is kept clean.I do not mind market rent etc.The dominant person does not think this is correct.So a mess ensues.So also a guest is landing and I want to be cordial and welcoming and the dominant person thinks that the guest is rather overstaying and taking advantage and do not want to be kind as it is his trait not to be overly friendly.Here my social instinct that I be kind only occurs but consistant implementation does not occur.

So waht is the solution?Do what you can,but sometimes it will not ensure the result that one wants?Then?Do not be sad,'Life Is always Like That'.

Jayamala.

A day Like Every Day.

2008-05-29T07:16:00.001-07:00

It was a day like every day.I had gone for my meditation sitting that Thurseday.It was over by 9.30 A.M.I had to go to bank for purchase of a draft for payment to some book purchases pending.While at the bank I spoke to some of my collegues who had worked with me.Also while returning my music class mates spoke asking me of my experiences while travelling.All in all the time was 1 afternoon when I returned.I cooked and ate.I was seeing one of the C.D's done for me by him.

I feel now I should have called him.Perhaps things would have happened differently.I was not yet normal after those months of travelling.Perhaps fate made me not do that phone call.I received the call at about 2.30 from his friend and I feel that gut feeling in my inside.From that moment onwards,life moved in slowmotion.

Jayamala.

A Dream.

2008-05-15T03:00:00.000-07:00

I have a dream of going elsewhere,

Boating to a destiny that is different.

I want to be free from this pain,

This pain of being.

Jayamala.

Here And There.

2008-05-04T22:51:00.001-07:00

I just wandered,here and there,

Searching for you,my glow in life,

I could see all the darkness around,

Could not see your glowing self,

I lost you and here I am ,

Searching for you here and there.

My muse in life,my light ahead,

Looking for you I lose myself.

Here and there I see some specks,

I reach and hold nothing.

For you are that glowing sunset,

With dazzling specks spewn around.

I had but caught you,only for a little while.

Jayamala.

Musings On A Slap.

2008-04-28T00:14:00.000-07:00

I was watching that match at home.Yes,you guessed right.The match where Mumbai Indians got beaten by King's xI.To say the least it is deplorable when sportsmen cannot restraint themselves.Of course I do agree that the expressions on the eyes,face of the player opposite to you might induce anger.But so long as a sportsman cannot take a defeat at its worth,he does not deserve to be called so.

What are the reasons for such bad behavior?Today in some channel SMS on such an issue"whether modern sports breed bad behavior'are invited.But I feel it is not modern sports but the fundamental mental make up of the human being that is at jeopardy here.Harbhajan perhaps got too much money,fame and the glorification of his being in 'TEAM INDIA'(WOW!!!!),he is allowed to get scot free with bad behavior.In fact I hold him in such low esteem that I feel after starting this topic here in my personal column,he does not deserve this attention too.

So that is that.

Jayamala.

Emptiness.

2008-04-25T23:08:00.000-07:00

What emptiness do I hold onto,

A queasy feeling creeps in my knotted insides,

This silence is sometimes sweet,

Most times it just seeps in,

I am feeling so empty,

Like a can of finished juices.

The sweetness gone,but the flavour remains.

Jayamala.

Since I am here.

2008-04-08T23:55:00.000-07:00

Since I am here,I will talk about you,

If not the thoughts will be blank.

Feather touched and air born thoughts,

That flies far and wide.

You do not seek joy,it comes to you?

But why doesn't it last?

A flower so lovely sneaks in,

with its color ,none sees it.

What I saw could not be seen again,

For life and love does,

Surrender but once.

Snatches are not whole music.

I shall wait to catch you again,

For summer is but a season ,

And spring will come,

Again and I will know a smile again.

Jayamala.

Again Talking To You.

2008-04-01T03:59:00.000-07:00

I find this sunset photo very inviting.I am perhaps using a wrong word?Inviting? What for?To come and glide in that orange bliss?I find sunsets interesting.I remember the sunset with the orange sun going down on a horizon while I was walking on a railway track with a friend.We used to sit where the train compartments were used to turn around.As this used to occur sometimes and the manual turning track will be deserted most times,we used to sit inside the round structure concealed and happily talking.While returning from this outing,most times the sun would have gone down and only the distant color tinging the clouds will remind us of the sunset.Beautiful,it used to be and perhaps still it is.So is life,beautiful many times and sometimes like the sunset splashing only the remnant colors.

Jayamala.

Again here.

2008-03-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

I was unable to sleep today.It had been like that since many months now.I remember how once we both went to a movie on a day when it rained heavily.He had his friend too accomapnying us.All wet,but did not want to cancel the theater plan.I bought some towels to dry us and went to the theater.The rain had stopped by then and we enjoyed the movie.Of late he had started taking me to coffee shops and restaurents outside.He even accomapnied me on my walks, happily talking on his cell phone to some colleagues.

Oh! Youth,so cruelly snatched by the hands of fate.Do I beleive in fate?After reading so much philosophy I still do not have an answer for it.The pain comes throbbing,drub,drub and since many months none are available to share it.That is how it becomes embedded in us I think.

Jayamala.

To Be With Him.

2008-03-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

I am continuing my thoughts about him.To be with him was a joy unparalelled.He enjoyed most of what was given for eating.He liked dishes made for him specially taking care.He always used to compliment.As a child he played really cute games.Non stop he threw balls against the walls trying to block the return with his feet.He rode the tricycle non stop with his freind in tow.He shared his toys with friends.No trouble there at all.

As he grew up his intersts in games too multiplied.He played almost all games.Crcket,tennis,baseball,shuttle batminton and even ping pong.Cycling was his pleasure.I remember the time he went with his friends to a place 25 k.ms away.When I went searching after return from my office,he hid behind the door and waited for me to find him.So childlike and audacious.So boylike too.Innocence was his mark.What joy did I hold up.I yearn again to be with him.

A Face To Remember.

2008-03-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

His was a face to remember.So handsome and very gentle in speech.He used his speech like feathers.Lightly touching the listner.As he grew up he became more and more handsome.Of late his features had started maturing and from a boy he was becoming manly.Peace was one of the features of his face.It looked so peaceful always.Light reflected out of his eyes and as he smiled you could sense his honesty.He was a hit with women,especially motherly women.Most of them adored him and he was comfortable talking to them.

I used to watch him walking with light steps.He was orderly except for some odinary disorderliness common in youth of his age.He often slept a little late at night and got up after it was morning.That was one habit he could not get over with.He had to wakened for early morning duties.

I just loved him so much because he was so very much himself.I will continue this about him later.

Jayamala.

A Fine Morning.

2008-03-09T23:12:00.000-07:00

It was a fine morning today.For once,I had slept well.It gave me energy to finish all my morning chores.I had been to Bangalore for Master's visit and had occasion to inform him of my state of mind.He has no answers to 'death'.None has actually had been my experience.But somewhere I had to know still ,why'Death?

But today I had the energy to get up and go about my work.I have grown too.I will not talk about 'death' anymore.I must keep my emotions a little more private for after all it is my private sorrow.To be open had been my usual way with everyone around.Now it has to change and I must bear this sorrow as my precious aloneness in my life.I move now burdened with it and I seek answers as the weight is too much to bear.But it will never be light.It is the gift of God wrapped in this shining paper of grief,so special.I must always be aware of it,lest it lose its preciousness.

Jayamala.

Just me and mine.

2008-02-18T08:12:00.000-08:00

Today I was thinking of possessions as obstructions to welfare.Previousely possessions reflected welfare,but as life and its meaning percolates one,possessions are just hinderances.when such awareness is arrived,there are no more desires and 'mine' becomes obsolute.

When you think of yourself too as the most important person,that is to say 'the self' as the most important person then also unhappiness results.The self should be lost amongst the varied trivias of this life.This is one method to attain happiness.

Jayamala.

Consolations.

2008-02-10T06:33:00.000-08:00

I think it is difficult to get a consolation prize.The winner is confident and happy.The consolation prize winner thinks what separated her from the winner.In many life situations it is these consolations that one gets.Does it matter?I am beginning to accept the theory that most of our social norms and expectations like winning and being a success etc. are hinderances to the freedom of the soul.

I want to be free and want to get around to the tuning of the mind around these successes and failures theory.Also the need for consolation prizes too.Let me see what I can do about them.

Jayamala.

Let Us Listen.

2008-02-07T09:09:00.000-08:00

Let us listen today to this planet earth.What does it whisper?That she is being vandalised with plastic?That her spring is gone?Whither those abundant trees that threw freshness all around?what happned to those innumerable birds that rested and twittered in different languages?

Today even after looting this earth,human beings are not contented.They have differences with their own species.They cannot tolerate when different languages are spoken?I am referring to the unrest happening even amongst states here.I sometime feel we appreciate differences only when they are presented in stage and not in real life.Perhaps the basic dividing line in man's psyche lies in the fact that man is a great pretender.

Jayamala.

Perhaps.

2008-01-21T00:59:00.000-08:00

'Perhaps 'is the language of options.We use perhaps whenever we encounter decisive failures in our life.Perhaps,I should have advised,perhaps I should have moved out,perhaps I should have shut my mouth.So many instances,so many altercations with ourselves.

At moments where ,I have faced the alternate actions ,and where I did not make the correct choice,I have also been encountering this 'perhaps' quotient in my emotions.Some days when sleep does not come,I have tossed around with the thoughts which arose as intelligent choices were not made,leading to present disasters.

But,mostly I recover as I argue it out.I know I am undergoing changes in behavior.After all,behavior changes are not that difficult to make.One must persevere with the decision to change ,and that is all one has to make.My own reading and knowledge gathering tendency too contribute to a great extent in what I expect from my actions.I am many times afraid to say 'No',as I fear that I am not being charitable and forgiving when others have caused anguish to me.

I have after so many of these,thinking processes have arrived at the conclusion that 'perhaps' is an enduring word,and so too is the human process of change.It is also an enduring action.So do not be upset when you are haunted by the 'perhapses of this world.You will change too and then there will be always one more moment in life to be lost and found.Take heart in this thought.

Jayamala.

A Happy New Year And Afterthoughts.

2008-01-14T00:50:00.000-08:00

I am referring to the New Year day episode of molesting two women at Mumbai.I really thought it better not to discuss this topic.But then after reading and watching media reports and T.V. news I feel ,as I am also a woman,let me have my say.

I do not conform to the general comment that women should not venture out to certain types of outings.I really feel only when a woman is used to such outings will she venture out.So here the comment is for having ventured out for a night celebration at clubs etc.Here the women were with escorts,only escorts were manhandled and made effective.This was not expected.I feel that Indian society, meaning here the onlookers were really barbaric and the incident shows, the dirt in the mind of the men who felt bold enough to handle the women.

I hope having said this my advice to such ventures in India ,for women venturing out to any such night time entertainment is that"do so after fully knowing that men are barbaric".

Jayamala.

A Serious Thought.

2008-01-05T07:52:00.000-08:00

I am reading now "Krishna",by Osho.This book is by way of questions and answers and sorted as different chapters.In one of the chapters titled 'follow no one but yourself',Osho says that there are no objectivity to life as such.Krishna knows this and is happy in the moment.The minute one realizes that there are no objectivity to life,many set aspirations like,one should do something in this life etc.and the pressure it gives to the psyche vanishes.So one should not feel that one is being useless.The whole of human life is but a waste.The nothingness is what is the beauty of existence.The rest are all man made,asking one to be use full,and get up and walk when one is down and out.But when one is aware of this aspect of existence the desire to be something else and somewhere else vanishes.So also the desire to follow someone else who can say that what one does at this moment is not correct.

I have also come across compulsions in me that makes me think life should be like this.Knowing that life is just being and nothing great is required other than being there consoles one.If greater responsibility for life's actions are with that supreme being then why should one try finishing meaning for happenings.I am at these moments getting a rare bliss and silence that is just very blissful.

Jayamala.

Smile Now.

2007-12-29T08:31:00.000-08:00

You smile now for it might be late.

Now or never for the winter is here.

The leaves have fallen and it is chilly,

The spring will come after you sleep.

So better smile now,before the blossoms awake.

with your eyes crinkled and cheeks all red.

smile away this winter's chill,

For warmth is but a smile away.

Jayamala.

Of Sickness.

2007-12-19T05:34:00.000-08:00

I have been dealing with sicknesses recently.I have myself perpetual migraine.I have been finding my relatives ill with diarrhoea,menstrual problems and weight problems.Because of the recent trend in medical treatment all the tests needed long time examination of all aspects of a person.doctors do not remember their patients and a group of doctors means still more impersonal attention.One doctor hurt the patient while examining that talking about that visit to the hospital the relative cried with me.

There is no use talking about such matters as the people are in huge numbers here and there is so much of insensitivity here and personalised attention cannot be bought even with money(at least reasonable money).So endure it and hope that one will be cured soon.Personally when I am down I do not go out at all.So for the past few days walking,exercising,meditating all are minimised. I am hoping I will be back to routine soon.

Jayamala.

Hype.

2007-12-11T20:46:00.000-08:00

I am seeing hypes everywhere.Be it in politics,in cinema,in literature, in short in any achievement.There were days when the media used to write only after a certain level of fame has been achieved by the person.But nowadays what with so many chances for exposure,I feel the necessity for fame has gone away.One can do something like returning a left out cell phone( are you not expected to return?),you get covered,as though being honest is not the obvious behavior.

The other day there was a write up on a politician who celebrated some religious pooja giving food, to many priests.I think even if the politician is very famous it should not have been covered.What the politician did was for his private soothing,and perhaps his private prayer.Probably he has made the cost for functions where people depend on priests go up for the common man.

Anyway,perhaps we human beings are slow learners.

Jayamala.

Youth.

2007-11-27T20:02:00.000-08:00

I was going through my Orkut groups/communities and came across one person's moaning for a girl friend.He( hopefully so),had bemoaned the fact that he is in search of girl friends and has so far not succeeded in getting one.I am amused at this need.Why want a girl friend?Can't you speak to boy friends?I see so many youngsters sitting in parks chatting away.Of course looking at passing girls too.Though it was quite a filmy venture that song where Prabhu Deva of Tamil cinema dances singing "Urvasi,Urvasi take it easy Urvasi',does reflect the correct mood of a college youth.the song and dance was a hit because of that.

So in all these cases where a specialised need for a different sex friend is sought either by boys or girls,it is a veiled need for interaction with the opposite sex.Somewhere you want your libido satisfied?right?

Jayamala.

To Perceive Means???

2007-11-27T04:35:00.000-08:00

I have been asking myself this question since this morning.I simply understand by this word 'perceive',to be meaning understanding simply.Yes,no complicated understanding.We humans tend to perceive everything with a little bit of complications thrown in.I feel as we grow in perception the simple should become more simple.Instead of that the simple is tending to become more complicated.

We cannot for example give more meanings to an action say exhibiting indifference or arrogance.it is just that the other person does not exactly care for you,when he shows the arrogance or indifference.It is just that.Then why does it have to hurt?Because one expects more from that person.It is also because somewhere the equation is not exactly equal.So the expectation factor comes in.You expect your friend to understand you in a certain way,but she does not.So the inequality produces the friction and imbalance in the friendship,and LO!!! one more break occurs in your life.

This factor called 'expectation' does give that imbalance be it be a familial relationship or social relationship.So what is the solution?Do not expect and do not add this expectation factor to your perception and get heart broken.

Jayamala.

Here I am ,down and out again.

2007-11-18T05:10:00.000-08:00

Here I am ,down and out again,

Promise of a sunshine,a new day,

Where was that?Sometimes in the past?

I know I will never walk in sunshine.

There is a corner in me,

That is dark and grey,

It cannot be painted and it will be dark there.

I wear out,I get up again and again,

I seek and find different crutches,

Each one for a little while,

For they have no strength.

Do I dare?Not till I see death ,

For I like an enemy solid and unafraid

For while I am down and out ,

It need not wait to win.

Jayamala.

Here Is Something New For You.

2007-11-16T22:08:00.000-08:00

I was thinking of continuing with my recipe for good health instead of writing about what I think alone.I have in these column on various occasions promised to write more on certain subjects but have never continued them.I think writing about cooking is the easiest way to unburden oneself.There is nothing demeaning in such write ups,for I do see recipe books sometimes when I want to cook something different.So here is one for you.

Cucumber Shake.
.................................
Ingredients.
......................
1) One Cucumber- skin removed and sliced.If the seeds are very small and tender it is o.k. to have them.If not remove seeds too.Piece this cucumber.
2)Take two cups of skimmed curd.
3)Take half a piece of green chillie,a little green coriander leaves and some tender curry leaves too.
4)In mixer cum grinder add the cucumber pieces and cut the pieces and then add the rest of the ingredients and run the mixie.

You can take a siever and sieve the cucumber drink ,adding salt and if you like a little asafoedia for taste.This is a good drink,especially in summer.A piece of green ginger can also be added when running mixie,but remember to ensure that the green chillie is not too hot with the ginger piece too,making the drink quite hot in taste.

Jayamala.

How To Become A Bore.

2007-11-12T09:07:00.000-08:00

I thought it is high time that I write about what I want,instead of trying to read other people's blogs and wonder what made them get noticed.After all the blog is a spot of writing hidden away from all because you cannot call other people names openly.

writing this I feel I have let down my hair in public so to speak.I have not expressed bitterness personal or other wise here excepting for once or twice.So I have chosen this topic just to entertain you.I give a listing about what actions you can do to become a perennial bore.

1) write blogs like this.

2)Expect other people to follow your instructions.

3)The minute some one joins you for a walk,start a topic that the other knows nothing about.Examples are talking to an unsuspecting house wife matters about the water board's mistakes.

4)Review movies.

5)Start telling the listener how to make Badham Halwa.

6)Walk faster than others .This is a sure sign to let others avoid you and also vice versa.

Jayamala.

Later......

2007-11-04T06:14:00.000-08:00

Much later I will walk into this sunset,

This life,its tribulations,postulates....

I am sick of them.......

So this sunset looks inviting.

Ever so bright,with the palms,

Giving divine shade,my thirst subsided

I wait quenching my thirst for life.

I have no strength to walk,no crutches to hold,

No friend or philosophy,hence this unrest in me,

I walk my head held high as my self is false.

What is this self?The erstwhile agonies ask?

I shut my eyes and close this world without.

The world within yawns and I want to sleep,

Walking into a sunset that beckons me.

Jayamala.

Some Thoughts On The Girl Child.

2007-10-23T05:16:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the various news reports on three incidents related to women ,for the past one month.They are as under.
1)The death of Rizvan whose wife is a Hindu.He was found murdered .
2)Elopement of Telugu Mega film star Chiranjeevi's daughter Sreeja,whose marriage was shown as news clippings in the T.V.News.( Various channels).
3)One girl who was working as a dress maker at Bangalore in one unit and who marked attendance by proxy for her friend was so insulted by her floor manager that she went home and hanged herself.

All the discussions centered on whether a girl child is given her rights by parents,(as in Chiranjeevi's daughter and Rizvan's wife's cases},to marry according to their choice and in the last case who was wrong,the girl who chose to hang because she thought she was shamed beyond measure or the man who insulted her in front of everyone without any exposure to human psychology?

With regard to marriage I think the problem is so deep rooted that one cannot really know what is the correct environment to be given to the girl child.The children of today are exposed to various factors and have no knowledge of what is the responsibility in married life.I have elsewhere come across a discussion where the working wife( quite educated and all that),feels that her husband exploits her for money and does not want her to share her earnings with her parents.The educated upper middle class has this problem where their only child happens to be a girl and she is earning and her husband does not want her to look after her parents.I think the problem is very old indeed.

With regard to the working girl's plight I am sure most units engaged in such mass production are being staffed by very uneducated supervisors and the women working are really in need of the work.I remember now,the plight of the Thai/Indonesian tailors reportedly working in such units in U.S. itself.

The supervisor in question has no exposure to psychological stress created due to his reaction,and he just acted as is his wont.At this juncture I suggest that these managers be given some training in handling people and issues.Also I would suggest that such units introduce midday meals for the workers too.For if not food was the requirement the girl would not have killed herself?Eating reduces stress too.Hygienic food must be given as this will be the next area where much corruption occurs in India.When feeding any segment the motto should be 'feed them,with kindness and hygiene'.

More on this topic later...

Jayamala.

Just Like Me And You.

2007-10-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

This day just dawned bright,

Just like me and you,together.

I remember our days when you come,

I do cook specially for you.

I remember the walk we went,

In my park on that Sunday bright.

You, a youth with a cell,

Talking incessantly with a friend.

Following me walking at your own pace.

I was smiling thinking,

This my son,so grwon up and handsome.

Me with that moment poised,

When suddenl;y yopu are no more,

I recollect that day,so sweet,

Just like me and you.

The films seen and the purchases made,

For a Diwali that will never be the same again.

I feel you around,my heart ,

Torn asunder with love gone away,

Taking my life away forever.

But I will walk as that is what you will want,

As I am just like you in sturdy love.

Jayamala.

Led Away.

2007-09-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

Led away by my furor,I swaggered,

Falling,falling I sought a crutch.

I tried holding on to my ego,

But I found it breaking to pieces fast by a word.

Goodness,let it be my crutch?

But soon I found I am not so good afterall.

For sailing in egos' ship my goodness gave way to smugness.

This world was swirling round with my smug mug.

So led away by my effort to find who I am,

I stood at eternity's doorway called death.

Here I know I have to bend my head,

For I will not pass this tunnel called life otherwise.

So here I am led away by my faults,

Holding onto useless crutches,

Atlast freeing myself with efforts.

For I am now free for you Death,my harbringor of peace.

Jayamala.

Yes! I am.

2007-08-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

Yes,I am a candle today,

Burning to keep you enlightened.

Was that worth the effort?

I do not know and I do not care.

For candles have no choice you know.

Jayamala.

And Quite Flows The Stream.

2007-08-10T22:51:00.000-07:00

A life here goes tops y turvy

For time has stolen its sheen.

Old it has become with lost glaze.

Was it of glass?Nay it was of gold.

Then why the sheen was lost?

Asked the stranger on the watch.

She did not know the stranger.

So she kept her down and moved on.

Thinking back she thought she knew him,

This stranger on the road.

Was he the one seen in the crowd?

Was he the one moving alone on a starry night?

Then she remembered him.

He was the one who stole her sheen,

The sunshine in her life.

For he was time,the ever present one

Along the life path and after he is gone,

It will always be a stream,this life,

That flows quietly along the mountainous path.

Jayamala.