My Day Today continued.

Today I was down in spirits again.Reason is tiredness due to lots and lots of tidying work.It is too much work when we paint a house and do summer cleaning.So much clutter we do accumulate.Throwing the clutter does give some relief.

This work led me to thinking about the clutter in the mind.I can narrate one incident today.I had a phone call today from a girl whom I help in her studies by offering some financial help.The girl and her mother was living opposite to my house in the garage of the opposite house owner.

Usually after they have moved out of this city,they come visiting me,during vacation when the mother will bring the girl and stay for sometime and I will give them the money for the coming academic year.I expected a visit this time too as it is the end of May and June the next academic year will commence.But I was not ready yet to see people after the personal loss and receiving the phone I remembered that I have to tell them my loss and here they are coming to receive help.Somehow though I realize the unreasonableness of the state of my mind,and I am genuinely want to cure my ways, it is a fact that my anger at my loss acts uppermost.It leads me into thinking that the waking mind acts differently than the real mind.If they had come,I know I would have really told them of my loss cried and then given them the financial help too.

Why am I like this.Am I not a genuinely good person?

I am depressed and I am writing about it to let you know of the way one acts sometimes.Of course no excuses by me.

Jayamala.

My Day Today.

I woke up by 4.30 AM today.After brushing teeth,I had coffee.I meditated for some time and set about the day,cleaning the house.Some more cleaning remains to be done.After bath,I took the van to Ashram at Hunsur.Came back by 11.30 Am,was ravenously hungry and cooked and ate.I have to start cleaning the house again,but will start at 3PM(time now 1.50PM).Feeling tired.

While in Ashram was feeling light.Now also I am feeling light.Carrying on.

Jayamala.

A Little Lost Am I ......continued.

A little lost am I today,

Looking at this wide canvass of life.

There are dowry deaths,There are children laboring,

Murder for gains and political assaults.


I see toiling old age in the hight of summer,

I see women fighting for a pot of water.

I see children begging prodded by hunger.

I also see lots of goodies hanging in baskets in the shop window too.


Justice?What is its second name?

Equity?If law had been equitable,

Will there be so many on its corridors?

The black coats will be on pegs then.



So a little lost am I today,

Reading the papers,watching news.

But something wakes up in me,

Saying it has been there,this inequity,

It is but our duty to make what mite we can,

So that a day dawns for some one,

With a little less struggle.


Yes,this life is very wide canvass,


But you can have your color too.

I smile, and I am no more lost.


Jayamala.

Some Thoughts Continued.

Yesterday night was sleepless,for obvious reasons.Nowadays I do not think of taking a tablet to aid sleep,though I am very restricted about using it,even earlier.I had this thought,that when you really set about it you can give up many things.

I understood suddenly,why I am unable to enjoy movies,chat,even writing in 'orkut',discussions. I have crossed those stages.When one moves forward,with regard to relationships and its meanings and then one reflect the meaning of life,then one can observe the silence that underlines all the earlier chattering s.Earlier it was imperative for me to verbalize,not anymore.This silence is a blessing indeed. It has given me strength to the permanent absence of my beloved,and gave depth to the spiritual meaning of what it is to be silent.Perhaps as I continue I might even discard the verbalization being done here too.I am indulging in it,only to keep track of how my mind has evolved of late.

Gone are the urge to phone up home,expect phones from support friends, and I could hold on to a sleepless night, with the conscious filled in with thoughts of him who is gone.

I now know why My Master says that,life is to be lived like a walking corpse.Be dead to this life.Death must be the door to eternity and a different dimension.Evolution might come as one reaches that door.I will develop these later.

Jayamala.

A Beautiful Day.

My perception of a beautiful day,is right from waking up.If I sleep right,I get up bright.:).I like my coffee strong.So had coffee and as I go and water my potted plants,I found one creamy white lily in bloom.As I came up after watering the plants,a gentle breeze caressed me and I was ready for my day.

I play my favorite classical music C.D. and do my house work,listening to it.Wipe the dust over the show pieces,swab the stain out from the floor and innumerable tidbits of tidying up a house.This house is where I have been happy in my own way.Here some beautiful days have been caused because of my hospitality,my care and my rallying up to receive and entertain guests.

I take bath.Slightly hot,shower gently caressing me.My tiredness is gone.I do love a good ,refreshing bath.My breakfast consists today of just a soup.I am dieting you know.:).After doing meditation and relaxing with a book I browse the net,see my mails.Care is shown via E-mail by so many friends and relatives.

The noon is hot as it is summer, but my room has a view of green trees.I take up my book again and read.It is evening now and the afternoon heat has given way to the gentle breeze again and I go for my evening group exercises.I am relaxed and do some more walking in the park with some friends.Chit chat consists of various news items,the water problem,the political asides and usually no gossip.

Coming back I notice the setting sky scape and note the colors.The night creeps gently and I am ready for another night with browsing,writing and reading.Dinner?Of course.Just light food that are left overs of the day or some time freshly made as per my inclination.

To day was beautiful.I am happy and smiling.

Jayamala.

Some Thoughts On Giving Up.

I was thinking about the obsessive need in me to give things up.When I was reading Dr. Phillip C McGraw's book 'Life Strategies',using his methods I was analyzing myself.

I asked the following questions.

1) Why must I feel like giving things up?

2) what pleasure does it give me?

3) If I do recognize the pleasure aspect why do I do it?

Analyzing myself I get the following answers.

1) I want to give up things as I feel cluttered all around with unnecessary possessions.The people who are in control of my life wants to have these possessions and I react to that control by wanting to give up.

2)Yes, there is pleasure in giving up.I feel for some time divine,benevolent. I have this need to prove benevolence time and again.

3)I do it again and again just to prove that I can be in control too of myself.Self worth?I have to think about it.

I will continue with this topic.

Silence.

I am silent now.Everything around me in this room is also silent.Only a very slight pleasant breeze sauntering in silently.So also the very soft music played.Even though I have started by telling you,that I am silent,I am playing a very soft music and also having a soft breeze of which I am conscious.

Does that mean I am not silent?Even this typing out of thoughts on being silent might be a noise of the mind.But still I am sure,I am silent.It is because I am aware of the calmness in my mind.The desire to express also is lessened, and because of my trained or rather the subconscious push, to put what I am experiencing in words, is what makes me write this soliloquy on silence.

I am feeling less and less connection with the past.The 'self' seems to grow and mature each moment.In fact I was not so yesterday.I felt angry ,when I observed unequal distribution of produces of the ashram(mangoes),by some people entrusted with the job.Though I am very much aware of the human traits and can analyze them,I am still come to terms with my anger that raises its head,when I observe these by the so called sahaj Margis.


I am also aware of my own short coming,in these matters.One becomes so addicted to perfection ,that it becomes obsessive behavior.I have to work on it.This anger has always been there in me.

With regard to silence ,I am observing that the sense of loss has made me aware of the short comings in this thing called life and I have let go of many things that I had thought precious.Silence is the resultant equilibrium gained by me in all these chattering s done by the mind.But many times the maintenance of the condition ,has to be improved by me.

But when I feel these golden silence in me.I feel happy and the sun's rays,the waving branches of trees and the flight of the eagle over head observed by me accentuates the silence around me.Then I walk with 'Him' who is no more now in my life.The 'precious 'then gives tears to my eyes and I walk on,because' I have to'.


Jayamala.

A rainy Day For You.

A rainy day with thunder storms,

Oh! it poured with hail stones.


Sweltering heat the day wore me down,


I was withering with the dust and the heat.



Oh! What respite a rain does bring.

Earth,the mother wilted with heat,

Just sparkled with her greens everywhere.

Rain over house tops washing the dust away,

Pools on the dusty roads ,sweet smelling,

An earthy scent every where.



Jayamala.

Some Thoughts.

I was reading on some topics that related to near death experiences.I have my own view with regard to such experiences.Some have said that the experience of going through a tunnel towards light which most have experienced is the memory of birth trauma,experienced by us we as we come to earth through the mother's womb.The light at the tunnel being our connection to the world,that is mostly the well lit hospital room.

So what is my idea about birth and death?How do I relate to death?I have no confusion about birth as birth is an aftermath of conjugal bliss,to put it decently in words.A birth becomes anguish as in the recently published news item in a local daily(SOM),when the father suicided as his daughter born has been a baby with disability.The father was destitute and possibly his worries as to the life long sustenance of the baby girl and future woman ,was beyond his means.I understand this death.The father did not think that consolation will come through God,through society and through one's own self will.

This brings me to the matter of death.When I can understand this death why is it that I am unable to understand certain types of death.The youth at the prime of his life on the road.In all cases of road accidents it has been said that both are responsible somehow.This again through another news item that came in the paper refutes.Here three teachers one of them retired and who had possibly come to see one of his friends were ground to death by a car driver recklessly as he shot over the road divider.The teachers ,all the three were just standing on the opposite side waiting for their bus.This car was on the opposite side of the road and it overshot the divider and ran them over.I think here only destiny can be the word in describing the three teacher's death.So also in the other case of the youth not at fault can be also of destiny.But this destiny is unacceptable because the teachers have lived for some time,past their fifties.

At this point I am unable to answer some questions.I am aware why,but unable to accept. It is just like knowing that some one who is related to you is not that merciful but one is unable to comment.One only knows.Why am I like this?I always come to this point and stops.For me also life has become tedious and I pray for mercy from God.

The answer is that one has just to be and some where one will get an answer.Also one might even come to a stage where answers do not matter. Am I at that stage?

Jayamala.