What Emptiness Do I hold On.

What emptiness do I hold on,

At the end of this day.

A day so forlorn,I seldom,

Walked,but was on crutches,

Most time.



This path called life,

What does it teach me,

Why does it abandon me,

Orphaned though,I am,

With an unsung muse.



I just loved,I just drizzled,

Like that dewy rain,

That falls gently over the grassy slope,

But I never knew the pelting hailstones,

That comes with a rain unpredicted.


Oh! this is life,this pelting stones,

So much so,You just believe me,

When I say that,so unprecedented,

A storm,a blitzkrieg,this life.

For it does raze to ground,our support.


For I hold on to emptiness,

Daring life to snatch this away.


Jayamala.

I Want To Move Away.

I want to move away from you,

For the simple reason I am not me anymore.


I thought I was love when you spoke to me.


But I know that I cannot be.



Where ever and when ever I feel you ,


You shall come at my beck and call.


Voluble and impatient I just own you,


Volatile and insensitive I will use you too.


Anger? yes,Anger wells up in me,

When you just disobey me,

Intolerant and abusive I will turn out to be.



Yes.I do want to move away from this turmoil,

You create in me my muse for who shall come,

When I call so depreciatingly aloud.



Jayamala.

Today.

Today I went to Satsangh at Ashram at Hunsur road by van and came back by van too.I am peaceful.I was seeing light and feeling my Master and him who is gone too.I am slowly letting go too.While returning I was feeling silence inside too and a bit distant with all the co travelers around too.

Just now,I am listening to Malladi Brothers ,singing in Raga.com.this is one activity that I have found giving lots of solace.I am now prepared for the next round of life as long as it lasts.Not much expectation.So bye for now.

Jayamala.

Learn To Mellow.

I think it is essential to be mellow in our thoughts.No more uses for superfluous and angry thoughts. angry thoughts come as a result of dwelling on hurts.Superfluous thoughts because one does not know how to stop thoughts.

when one grows in thoughts and cleaning of irrational thoughts are done routinely giving attention,then thoughts are invariably mellow.You ripe slowly and surely in thoughts.It gives you so much relief too.One should not become too much aware of this mellowing mood as humility is also some times a sin.Often a sense falsehood accompanies humility.It takes a really discerning mind to know this falsehood in us.This one of the reason why more and more social mingling is being avoided by me. I have to be false sometimes at these occasions.What an attitude change in me from last 10 months.

I am glad in fact,knowing that I tried and have changed.

Jayamala.

A Bit Of Yellow For You.

Here is a bit of yellow for you,

the color of jealousy.

For to whom shall I toll this bell?

This bell of my mind clamoring,

In defeat.


wars have been won with lesser Armour,

But with you I am but a gentle arrow.

The arrow so sharp,you will not know,

Its grief when tingling you with sharpness.


Yellow is my color today,

as I combat my skill with you in argument.

For who shall love you,

As I did,show me one for I shall but vanquish,

That fear of mine.


Jayamala.

A Street Dog.

A street dog,it just was lying down in a corner,

I did not notice but ,its tail was wagging at me.

At Me !!Why doggie,I am not fond of you.

when indifference strikes,why waste affection?


The posture was severe ,but the dog did not know it.

All dogs are like that,the journal does say so.

They love and you will love tehm back,

They are different from cats,

Who but love the home they live in.


Just like a lover who loved you for money,

Just like a friend who was indifferent.

Just like success which comes when unsought,

But vanishes when you need it most.

and just like money which loses its meaning when you earn it at last.


Hm...Can I stop here?

The street dog is but our mind,

Running after left overs and thinking that,

To gain love one should wag one's tail.

A well told tale?Was it?Tell me the truth.


Jayamala.

Some Musings.

I was thinking about how we are forced to play act many times in life.This thought came to me as I was replying/participating in replying one question posed in orkut groups.After replying some question, I thought why am I bothered to write,when sometimes the questions are so irrelevant.

That made me think,many times when you reach a certain level of thinking after years of contemplation,activities does not matter.So debates do not satisfy and answers are unsavory after a certain time.Only the conquering of the mind remains as an objective.After that it is silence and when you reach that goal too,perhaps it is time to log out of groups.This is what is happening to me and at those times, stamps like loneliness and aloneness does not matter at all.

Jayamala.

Pain.

Yes! I am in pain again.Each day goes with the slowness, that only a heated day and sweaty night can ensure.Sleep does not come easily.After four days of indifferent and restless sleep of nominal hours one night ,sleep that rare guest will come.Next day I do wake up without headache.

Preparations for the day is done and when one is about to feel a little restful,this pain comes.It comes with that intenseness that is gripping your innate being.again restlessness and no amount of writing will give solace then.

The slow ebbing of the painful soul is achieved by just shutting one's eyes and seeing nothing.You do not want the world then with you.Outside the window the flowers are golden yellow and it falls.The street side is golden yellow too,with the half dried flowers in the intense heat of the sun.The after noons are just silent and serene and shimmering heat.Just heat and nothing more.The pain ebbs a little now.

One has to live with this pain to know its nature.it comes unexpectedly and you have to welcome it and brace yourself for it to subside too.Physical pain one can deal with the tablets.You swallow one and can hope for respite .But mental pain.....How do you cope up.Just wait.It will ebb like a low tide leaving the shores.Just then the sun comes up.Another day and another matter surfaces.You are your own again and the pain of living dead is no more in you,at least just at that moment.You are then face to face with God.

Jayamala.

Another Debate.

I was reading about these discussions on India's world Cup cricket debacle.I am giving my views on the following.

1) should Sachin retire?

Yes,I will say.It is already agreed that he is one of the greatest in sports.Now he has not been able to deliver and so why not retire and make way for lots of talented youngsters.

2)Should there be a foreign coach?

I have seen most of the discussions on it.I think it will be better if a foreign coach is there as they are much more professional in handling issues.Look at Vengasarkar.He could not express what he wanted correctly.Look at Greg Chappal.He clearly says that the seniors are just not delivering.

3)The present state of cricket in India.

I do understand the cricket mania amongst Indians. I think the game is suited to the body construction of Indians.So the game will continue to be popular.Unless real discipline and real management of team selection is done on merit,there are no solutions for Indian cricket to prosper.

4)What then is the future?

I feel knowing Indian management I feel it will be difficult to expect overnight miracles.Every one will get news now of what Sachin says,what yuvaraj thinks and after reading everything cricket will remain same.One more day in the distant past for a glorious and dreamy outing and effortless win.Dream you Indian fan without knowing what ills beset the scene.Still hope is the name of future you know and you always can wait.Indians are great in waiting and then watching.

Jayamala.

A Debate.

Yesterday there was a debate at our monthly gathering.The topic to be discussed was 'Change in self after joining SahajxMarg.' Sahaj Marg is what I practice for my spiritual life.I was not in favor of this topic as I felt that most would just say very superficial things that happened in their lives and also the change cannot be sometimes discussed openly.The center in charge was somehow a curious person and he did not understand my objection to the theme selected for debate.Thankfully there were others who also thought likewise and the topic was debated actually for why one cannot choose that subject.

I now come to the real issue that I feel crops up in such meetings.I do find that many followers are just not amenable for really saying why a thing cannot be called as a regular subject of discussion.Blind following of the Master is there as some feel that it is decided so and hence cannot be discussed at all.For example when the topic for expansion of the system was being discussed I had opined that they find means for increasing 'satsanghs',in different areas and on different days as the present attendance on Sundays can be inconvenient to women especially as women are loaded with house work on Sundays.

The above suggestion was not favorably viewed as the idea was that it was decided by the Master and how can one question it.I had to again clarify that it can be put forward as suggestion by the prospective abhyasis.I am coming to the conclusion that as you progress and the mission grows more and more ritualism like in religious worship does come in organizations too.Though the organization did start as negating system for ritualism still at some point structure implies more orders not to be changed and so rituals again.So the old order of having Monday as special pooja for Lord Siva followed by religious people have manifested here as Sunday satsangh having special significance.

This does not mean that I am opposed to having structures but what I am highlighting is that after all is said and done when an organization grows it exhibits the same flaws that was there in earlier such structures too.It takes some guts to agree that it is so and cannot be helped.Most of the time I prefer a personal God that will be my mainstay so that all such negative elements can be avoided.

I hope I have argued myself out properly.I may have to write again to clarify my thoughts further.

Jayamala.