A Little Lost Am I .

A Little lost am I today,
Tired of days and nights.
Wearier in spirits and seeking a ray,
That will stream through this desolate night.

Neither books nor the idiot box,
Thrills me today.
I cannot seek,for I am but a novice at it.
Not knowing how to seek or ask for help,
One does lose one's way through this life.

What is better?
A helping hand?or a crutch of one's own mind?
A little lost am I today.
Can you tell me why?

Jayamala.

A Heart Full Of Solitude.

This heart does grieve with no respite,

Shall I just go and drown myself in my sorrow?

Or shall I but look for you in vain,

In those multitudes who just are driving by.


It was but a transitory moment in fancy,

With you in tow in my solitary day.

The day passed and the sun went down,

But you went driving by to eternities brink.

A momemt is lost and you with that moment in my life,

Where shall I grieve for you and in what way?

This heart is full of solitude now for,

When you stand at death's door ,

It does not ask you to knock and come,

And you my sweet,went there without invitation.

Looking At Pain Objectively.

I have been since some times trying to look at pain objectively.I define pain as that feeling which constricts and restricts you to desperation.I feel that,pain materializes where you are attached to the person/objects.

So objects and attachments go together and why does pain come there?Because somewhere your expectation of the sensation of happiness is destroyed.The destruction happens because of your viewing the possession as final.Fate says,not so you Fool,you cannot decide it.Fate somehow snatches it away from you.

What you do not have you do not possess.So after the dispossession occurs you do not know how to react to the new situation.

Now how will you look at this new situation.For that you have to learn to 'lose loss'.This is not so easy .Like a fish out of water ,you flail with untold misery.But you must swim if you do not want to die an emotional death.

I am unable to write anymore.I will revert to the deeper analysis later.

Jayamala.

To A Sunset.

I was but weary,walking these streets,

Empty with darkness of the dead.

I was searching for my sun,

Whom I had lost to this enfolding darkness.

My spirit was down and I just wanted to lie down,

Like that street dog beside a garbage can.

Life was but wasted effort without the sun,

Dark and cloudy with untold thoughts,

That were pregnant with questions.

You there my son?Who could answer these?

For were you not my sun,eternal at rest?

Me! your Mom is walking these streets of restless nights.

Come! Take her home to give her a bed,

Along with you in a sunny world.


Jayamala.

A Long Pass.

I am now at a long pass,in my life.Why?Because I have lost something that was precious to me.I realize the value of it after I have lost it.Could I have prevented its loss?This question does haunt me.Some times I feel it is destiny.But somehow after its occurrence,I do not think it is destiny.So flimsy a name cannot be given to it.Because it somehow degrades the dignity of that happening.So I just feel now that let it be.Let it pain and it will come to a head of its own.

Jaaymala.

After a long time.

I am writing again after a long time.A personal tragedy has prevented me from writing.I am now beginning to express myself,so that the pain will be a little less.What have I done meanwhile.Just reading and clinging to philosophy.Sometimes even philosophy as a crutch does not work.At those times,I am meditating and the pain is a little less.Some how I am not having the energy or the urge to write too.The poetic impulse in me has dried up.I am very weary in my mind just now.The heart feels like lead. But if I cannot express my pain here where will I do it.I hope to recover.I want my faith to heal me and lead me on the road to recovery.

Jayamala.