Smile Now.

You smile now for it might be late.

Now or never for the winter is here.

The leaves have fallen and it is chilly,

The spring will come after you sleep.


So better smile now,before the blossoms awake.

with your eyes crinkled and cheeks all red.

smile away this winter's chill,

For warmth is but a smile away.

Jayamala.

Of Sickness.

I have been dealing with sicknesses recently.I have myself perpetual migraine.I have been finding my relatives ill with diarrhoea,menstrual problems and weight problems.Because of the recent trend in medical treatment all the tests needed long time examination of all aspects of a person.doctors do not remember their patients and a group of doctors means still more impersonal attention.One doctor hurt the patient while examining that talking about that visit to the hospital the relative cried with me.

There is no use talking about such matters as the people are in huge numbers here and there is so much of insensitivity here and personalised attention cannot be bought even with money(at least reasonable money).So endure it and hope that one will be cured soon.Personally when I am down I do not go out at all.So for the past few days walking,exercising,meditating all are minimised. I am hoping I will be back to routine soon.

Jayamala.

Hype.

I am seeing hypes everywhere.Be it in politics,in cinema,in literature, in short in any achievement.There were days when the media used to write only after a certain level of fame has been achieved by the person.But nowadays what with so many chances for exposure,I feel the necessity for fame has gone away.One can do something like returning a left out cell phone( are you not expected to return?),you get covered,as though being honest is not the obvious behavior.

The other day there was a write up on a politician who celebrated some religious pooja giving food, to many priests.I think even if the politician is very famous it should not have been covered.What the politician did was for his private soothing,and perhaps his private prayer.Probably he has made the cost for functions where people depend on priests go up for the common man.

Anyway,perhaps we human beings are slow learners.

Jayamala.

Youth.

I was going through my Orkut groups/communities and came across one person's moaning for a girl friend.He( hopefully so),had bemoaned the fact that he is in search of girl friends and has so far not succeeded in getting one.I am amused at this need.Why want a girl friend?Can't you speak to boy friends?I see so many youngsters sitting in parks chatting away.Of course looking at passing girls too.Though it was quite a filmy venture that song where Prabhu Deva of Tamil cinema dances singing "Urvasi,Urvasi take it easy Urvasi',does reflect the correct mood of a college youth.the song and dance was a hit because of that.

So in all these cases where a specialised need for a different sex friend is sought either by boys or girls,it is a veiled need for interaction with the opposite sex.Somewhere you want your libido satisfied?right?

Jayamala.

To Perceive Means???

I have been asking myself this question since this morning.I simply understand by this word 'perceive',to be meaning understanding simply.Yes,no complicated understanding.We humans tend to perceive everything with a little bit of complications thrown in.I feel as we grow in perception the simple should become more simple.Instead of that the simple is tending to become more complicated.

We cannot for example give more meanings to an action say exhibiting indifference or arrogance.it is just that the other person does not exactly care for you,when he shows the arrogance or indifference.It is just that.Then why does it have to hurt?Because one expects more from that person.It is also because somewhere the equation is not exactly equal.So the expectation factor comes in.You expect your friend to understand you in a certain way,but she does not.So the inequality produces the friction and imbalance in the friendship,and LO!!! one more break occurs in your life.

This factor called 'expectation' does give that imbalance be it be a familial relationship or social relationship.So what is the solution?Do not expect and do not add this expectation factor to your perception and get heart broken.

Jayamala.

Here I am ,down and out again.

Here I am ,down and out again,

Promise of a sunshine,a new day,

Where was that?Sometimes in the past?

I know I will never walk in sunshine.


There is a corner in me,

That is dark and grey,

It cannot be painted and it will be dark there.



I wear out,I get up again and again,

I seek and find different crutches,

Each one for a little while,

For they have no strength.


Do I dare?Not till I see death ,

For I like an enemy solid and unafraid

For while I am down and out ,

It need not wait to win.


Jayamala.

Here Is Something New For You.

I was thinking of continuing with my recipe for good health instead of writing about what I think alone.I have in these column on various occasions promised to write more on certain subjects but have never continued them.I think writing about cooking is the easiest way to unburden oneself.There is nothing demeaning in such write ups,for I do see recipe books sometimes when I want to cook something different.So here is one for you.

Cucumber Shake.
.................................
Ingredients.
......................
1) One Cucumber- skin removed and sliced.If the seeds are very small and tender it is o.k. to have them.If not remove seeds too.Piece this cucumber.
2)Take two cups of skimmed curd.
3)Take half a piece of green chillie,a little green coriander leaves and some tender curry leaves too.
4)In mixer cum grinder add the cucumber pieces and cut the pieces and then add the rest of the ingredients and run the mixie.

You can take a siever and sieve the cucumber drink ,adding salt and if you like a little asafoedia for taste.This is a good drink,especially in summer.A piece of green ginger can also be added when running mixie,but remember to ensure that the green chillie is not too hot with the ginger piece too,making the drink quite hot in taste.

Jayamala.

How To Become A Bore.

I thought it is high time that I write about what I want,instead of trying to read other people's blogs and wonder what made them get noticed.After all the blog is a spot of writing hidden away from all because you cannot call other people names openly.

writing this I feel I have let down my hair in public so to speak.I have not expressed bitterness personal or other wise here excepting for once or twice.So I have chosen this topic just to entertain you.I give a listing about what actions you can do to become a perennial bore.

1) write blogs like this.

2)Expect other people to follow your instructions.

3)The minute some one joins you for a walk,start a topic that the other knows nothing about.Examples are talking to an unsuspecting house wife matters about the water board's mistakes.

4)Review movies.

5)Start telling the listener how to make Badham Halwa.

6)Walk faster than others .This is a sure sign to let others avoid you and also vice versa.

Jayamala.

Later......

Much later I will walk into this sunset,

This life,its tribulations,postulates....

I am sick of them.......

So this sunset looks inviting.



Ever so bright,with the palms,

Giving divine shade,my thirst subsided

I wait quenching my thirst for life.

I have no strength to walk,no crutches to hold,

No friend or philosophy,hence this unrest in me,

I walk my head held high as my self is false.


What is this self?The erstwhile agonies ask?

I shut my eyes and close this world without.

The world within yawns and I want to sleep,

Walking into a sunset that beckons me.


Jayamala.

Some Thoughts On The Girl Child.

I was listening to the various news reports on three incidents related to women ,for the past one month.They are as under.
1)The death of Rizvan whose wife is a Hindu.He was found murdered .
2)Elopement of Telugu Mega film star Chiranjeevi's daughter Sreeja,whose marriage was shown as news clippings in the T.V.News.( Various channels).
3)One girl who was working as a dress maker at Bangalore in one unit and who marked attendance by proxy for her friend was so insulted by her floor manager that she went home and hanged herself.

All the discussions centered on whether a girl child is given her rights by parents,(as in Chiranjeevi's daughter and Rizvan's wife's cases},to marry according to their choice and in the last case who was wrong,the girl who chose to hang because she thought she was shamed beyond measure or the man who insulted her in front of everyone without any exposure to human psychology?

With regard to marriage I think the problem is so deep rooted that one cannot really know what is the correct environment to be given to the girl child.The children of today are exposed to various factors and have no knowledge of what is the responsibility in married life.I have elsewhere come across a discussion where the working wife( quite educated and all that),feels that her husband exploits her for money and does not want her to share her earnings with her parents.The educated upper middle class has this problem where their only child happens to be a girl and she is earning and her husband does not want her to look after her parents.I think the problem is very old indeed.

With regard to the working girl's plight I am sure most units engaged in such mass production are being staffed by very uneducated supervisors and the women working are really in need of the work.I remember now,the plight of the Thai/Indonesian tailors reportedly working in such units in U.S. itself.

The supervisor in question has no exposure to psychological stress created due to his reaction,and he just acted as is his wont.At this juncture I suggest that these managers be given some training in handling people and issues.Also I would suggest that such units introduce midday meals for the workers too.For if not food was the requirement the girl would not have killed herself?Eating reduces stress too.Hygienic food must be given as this will be the next area where much corruption occurs in India.When feeding any segment the motto should be 'feed them,with kindness and hygiene'.

More on this topic later...

Jayamala.

Just Like Me And You.

This day just dawned bright,

Just like me and you,together.

I remember our days when you come,

I do cook specially for you.

I remember the walk we went,

In my park on that Sunday bright.

You, a youth with a cell,

Talking incessantly with a friend.

Following me walking at your own pace.

I was smiling thinking,

This my son,so grwon up and handsome.

Me with that moment poised,

When suddenl;y yopu are no more,

I recollect that day,so sweet,

Just like me and you.

The films seen and the purchases made,

For a Diwali that will never be the same again.

I feel you around,my heart ,

Torn asunder with love gone away,

Taking my life away forever.

But I will walk as that is what you will want,

As I am just like you in sturdy love.

Jayamala.

Led Away.

Led away by my furor,I swaggered,

Falling,falling I sought a crutch.

I tried holding on to my ego,

But I found it breaking to pieces fast by a word.


Goodness,let it be my crutch?

But soon I found I am not so good afterall.

For sailing in egos' ship my goodness gave way to smugness.

This world was swirling round with my smug mug.


So led away by my effort to find who I am,

I stood at eternity's doorway called death.

Here I know I have to bend my head,

For I will not pass this tunnel called life otherwise.


So here I am led away by my faults,

Holding onto useless crutches,

Atlast freeing myself with efforts.

For I am now free for you Death,my harbringor of peace.

Jayamala.

Yes! I am.

Yes,I am a candle today,

Burning to keep you enlightened.

Was that worth the effort?

I do not know and I do not care.

For candles have no choice you know.


Jayamala.

And Quite Flows The Stream.

A life here goes tops y turvy

For time has stolen its sheen.

Old it has become with lost glaze.

Was it of glass?Nay it was of gold.

Then why the sheen was lost?

Asked the stranger on the watch.

She did not know the stranger.

So she kept her down and moved on.

Thinking back she thought she knew him,

This stranger on the road.

Was he the one seen in the crowd?

Was he the one moving alone on a starry night?

Then she remembered him.

He was the one who stole her sheen,

The sunshine in her life.

For he was time,the ever present one

Along the life path and after he is gone,

It will always be a stream,this life,

That flows quietly along the mountainous path.


Jayamala.

A Thought For You.

This day dawns just for you,

Bright and sunny,just like you.

Blue sky and pagodas,

Cherry blossoms and,

A mountain view with snow cap.

Whither goes this day?

To you alone I speak in whispers.

Time was short,and the day ,

Almost done but still I wait,

For that sunshine youth.

Ever so alive though gone forever.

Boredom.

Boredom has set in now.My energy level is low as I was sick after a group participation.I am also beginning to move away from words too now.A blankness has come over me like drowsiness.

What more to write here.Still!The space being mine and words being just the means available to me I scribble here now.I have started looking inwardly shutting my eyes,closing this world.

Yes,I know I am about to step into another door of discovery.Perhaps the journey will take me somewhere or I am looking back after the journey is done,yearning for those expectations of a journey.What an end?Perhaps all ends are not theatrical?

Jayamala.

Of salads and Soups.

I thought for a change i will give a heading that will inspire me today about how I make my soup.Since I am a vegetarian,I am giving you one vegetarian soup recipe.

Take the following vegetables and cut them in whatever sizes you want as it does not matter as I am going to pressure cook them.


1)1 tomato.2)one half piece of capsicum3)some 4 beans.4)one medium sized onion.5)green pieces one half hands full.6)one potato.7)one half green chillies.

Now cut all these into pieces and wash and put inside a pressure cooker pouring some water.The potato skin can be removed.The skin of tomato can remain.Add salt and some turmeric powder and pressure cook.after the cooker is settled and the ingredients are all cooled use the mixie and run it till all the vegetables are ground to a smooth paste.

Now in case you have some bread pieces you might dry fry or if you do not mind the calories you might fry the pieces with clarified butter( Ghee).Take some green coriander leaves and fine cut them.You can now keep the ground soup in the cooker and heat it.When lightly hot add half a tea spoon of gharam masala powder and drop a little butter and serve hot and eat it and enjoy.

Jayamala.

A Debate.

I was reading a mail wherein the possibility of a muliverse has been discussed.By' multiverse',it is meant multiple universes.So far scientists have been thinking of only one universe and wherein the 'earth' with its life forms are existing.In this new theory possibilities of existence in other forms/dimensions and our earth being observed by these other forms who can be of elevated dimension have been deemed possible.

This makes the philosophers too look at the concept of God as the creator who just thought to create the human being revise his theory.The question before the 'Earth' what?and after the 'human being' what has possibilities now.Perhaps 'consciousness 'which is the dimension from which thoughts and preferences are born will also be revised and progress of a more perfect being with different consciousness can be thought of.This gives a new dimension to pain as experienced by the human beings and so also pleasure as preferable to pain.Perhaps pain means progress?

Jayamala.

Turbulence.

Turbulences are most times self created.You agitate and then face the steamy thoughts.Arguing,reasoning and accusing are indulged in.Most indignities are also born as a result of this agitated mind.It takes only some calmness and a silent corner or even a self analysis to know that the agitation was not necessary at all.

It takes so much time to regain the equilibrium.My meditation is giving me results now. I have not been able to stop the turbulence.But I am able to know the uselessness of it and know that it was useless.

I will conquer myself again.

Jayamala.

To Be In The Present.

Today,i was reading a book published by sahaj marg called "Prayer".In that it was given that all suggestions should be subtle.the subtler,the better.It will also have more effect then.This was new to me. I was after years of commanding office work force,adept at giving clear cut instructions.To call a spade a spade is my way of saying things explicitly.

So when there was a discussion about going by bus to Tiruppoor,and it was said that certain people wants more comfort and did not like backseats etc.,I just said that if one is practicing Sahaj Marg one is supposed to desire only reaching the place and not think of inconveniences.But reading today this aspect of subtility of suggestions,I now feel that in future I must leave this calling a spade a spade.

Today's lesson learn t well.:).

Jayamala.

A Day In The Past.

I am using green to indicate my mood today.In the past I used to like all things green.Green fields,green leaves around in trees,plants.When visiting the united States of America,I came across varied colors as it was fall time there.I thought 'wow',so many colors?

It was then that I started liking colors other than green too for plants and trees.In India because of the hot climate fall means brown leaves and dusty emptiness in trees around.But there in USA the colors felt like wearing new dresses for change by the trees and plants around.

Still the heavy green often mentioned as emerald Green is for the abundance in nature and is the color of trees.It is solidity personified of this earth.It speaks of natures kindness to man and animals.This abundance is what I think of when I speak about my days in the past.When one is young,one tends to be just happy.happy about a new dress,a friend, a new book read and anything new owned.as age sets in this greenery of the youth is vanishing to the rust colored dust or the straw colored plant stems that has given what it has to and is a sign of death for the plant.

But again thinking back I do feel that straws too has its smell.I have smelled the dryness in the rice stems that are cut and dried.Age has its beauty and perhaps death too might not be different.Youth is green but old age is straw colored but still both has its destiny.Perhaps a day in the past is as good as a day in the future.So today I am smiling.

Jayamala.

A Bud and Some Leaves.

Here is a tribute to a little plant,

That I potted on a rainy day.

I was walking by and I saw,

A plant species unknown.


The flower was great to look at,

And I thought why not pot it?

Should we only plant known species?

why not wilderness too?

Next day I walked with a poker in hand.

I dug it up and carried it home,

This sweet little unknown plant.

It had its place,it had its manure,

And my hope that it will flower again.

Yes it is seasonal rain now.

I look at this pot with its unknown plant.

Is something sprouting?Or has it died?

For a week I was not home.

I came back and was busy too.

One day I saw this pot of mine ,

And Lo!! the plant has come up,

strong and straight.

The buds are there too and so were the flowers.

Here is to the unknown buds and leaves that makes our day.

Jayamala.

For You alone.

For you alone is this call in pain,

you who is gone forever from me.

Where shall I seek you?

Answer for I am in pain.


Seek within you,a heart string twined,

Oh! yes,I shall forever,

For where does though can be/

if not within me,sweet dream?

Jayamala.

Nothingness.

Today I hold on to nothingness,

This empty space in me.

With what shall I fill this,

Shallow in me so deep?


Shallow and yet I call it deep?



Yes,shallow as I know nothingness,

Deep as I know that the shallowness in me is deep.

Jayamala.

Odious Comparisons.

Just now I was watching CNNindia's programme on the topic who is big super star?Whether it is Rajni Kanth of Tamil cinema or Amitabh Bachan of Hindi cinema?I think comparisons are the norms now a days.When Abhishek Bachan married Aiswarya Rai and Sharukh Khan was not invited for the wedding it also invited one comparison.Whether Sharukh was left out intentionally or not?

Here also the comparison has no common ground.Rajni Kanth is a regional language hero and has his own style of acting.Amitabh being an actor in Hindi which has wider area coverage is an actor of a different caliber.By the way both have acted together in "Hum".

I sometimes feel that if media has nothing to say it rakes up issues.While the pro gramme was on there was a break in coverage as the Woolmer case was broadcast.I really thought there must have been some trouble in the country about the comparison and hence it had been taken off the telecast.:).Fortunately it was not so and the telecast had continued.Also sometimes the media is asking for their views from people who are not exposed to both the actors.What sort of decision or opinion can be got when the media asked two persons who have not seen Rajni at all in cinema?The "screen"editor said from her reading of Rajni and the other person asked was a fan of Amitabh!

If only they have asked me I would have said the correct standing.:)My vote goes to Rajni Kanth as a pucca super star.No one can imitate his style.Mind you I never used to like either of them initially.So views have been matured over time.

Both have interesting scenes etched in my mind that are comic.Rajni's scene viewing the snake peeping through a hole in that movie"Thambikku Entha Ooru',is equal to Amitabh singing"Paan Banaraswala".Anyway let me forgive the media as it is not worth the while to discuss this issue at all.I have discussed it here for a change too.:)

Jayamala.

I Was Touched.

Today while reading "The Hindu',I was touched by one article which was in their magazine section.It was published under the 'India Beats' section.The story was about one retired headmaster who took upon himself to plant trees and make his village which was arid and hot green and pleasant.This village Selakarichal village near coimbatore was dry and without trees.The headmaster after his retirement called Veluswamy took upon himself to plant tree saplings of different variety and the village is now green and shady.

I wish to do some activity like this too.There is Thimmakka who planted pee pal trees in Karnataka in a village too though I forget the name of the village.When I read about so many useless news about how Bacchan is a brand( Of what use is that?),and read about these lesser known but really impressive people I am glad and my sense of wanting to be useful in some way surfaces again.

Let me see?

Jayamala.

Thoughts Again.

I have written quite a few notes on thoughts.Thoughts seems to bother me more and more.Unlike earlier times when I used to enjoy just chatting up with some one on net,nowadays(actually quite some months since),I am not finding it interesting.Day before yesterday just to see my reaction once more,I went to yahoo chat and logged in at one community room.Absolutely boring people whoever popped in to chat.I will not try it again.

Why thoughts bother us?Is peace a process wherein thoughts are zero?I think as a biological being human being is always with thoughts.If not ordinary thoughts,lofty thoughts,still they are thoughts.I know why I am bothered so much and have stopped enjoying interaction.It is the withdrawal symptom,afflicting me.I want to talk only when I chose and I want to interact only when I want.I now know why people taking sanyas wanted to be away from this interactive society.It only means for the present,I have crossed the boundaries wherein I find interaction interesting.It will not be so.Once I accepted this,I am not searching anymore for meaning in thoughts.It is so and it will be so.A finality has come now.

Even intellectual sanyas can be taken when answering questions and finding answers are not a must anymore.So I have arrived now to that feature of the mind where silence is beautiful and more the silence less the struggle.Yes 'A Living Dead' as the masters say.Keep it up.

Jayamala.

Let Me See This Through.

What are storms?Climatic catastrophe?In the usual way of saying things it is so.But storms in personal relationships are equally turbulent too.After every storm even in nature,you do have a period of respite that is silent.It is at these times one takes stock.At these times things fall into perspective.One is aware of how one spoke too much or too little.How one wronged another and the cunningness of it all.

How does one move out of such happenings?When one matures,one can see from a distance the senselessness of it all.The senseless arguements,demands and the heart burns.Yes,the heart is burnt unnecessarily when it could have been put to use in so many different ways.'When in doubt refer to your heart',says my Master.I have started doing it and it does give me peace.It does also give me the senselessness of even this writings here.But I am continuing as I want some activities.I am actually waiting to go somewhere where there is eternal rest.

Like Milton in 'Paradise Lost',I too want to move the story forward after the great fall.So also i now understand the urgency in Tagore when he gives the keys to his house when death comes calling at his door.(Geetanjali).I want to say goodbye too to all those who helped me tide over my difficult phase in life.The storm has abated and it is time to take stock of my life.

I shall do so shortly.

Jayamala.

My Day Today continued.

Today I was down in spirits again.Reason is tiredness due to lots and lots of tidying work.It is too much work when we paint a house and do summer cleaning.So much clutter we do accumulate.Throwing the clutter does give some relief.

This work led me to thinking about the clutter in the mind.I can narrate one incident today.I had a phone call today from a girl whom I help in her studies by offering some financial help.The girl and her mother was living opposite to my house in the garage of the opposite house owner.

Usually after they have moved out of this city,they come visiting me,during vacation when the mother will bring the girl and stay for sometime and I will give them the money for the coming academic year.I expected a visit this time too as it is the end of May and June the next academic year will commence.But I was not ready yet to see people after the personal loss and receiving the phone I remembered that I have to tell them my loss and here they are coming to receive help.Somehow though I realize the unreasonableness of the state of my mind,and I am genuinely want to cure my ways, it is a fact that my anger at my loss acts uppermost.It leads me into thinking that the waking mind acts differently than the real mind.If they had come,I know I would have really told them of my loss cried and then given them the financial help too.

Why am I like this.Am I not a genuinely good person?

I am depressed and I am writing about it to let you know of the way one acts sometimes.Of course no excuses by me.

Jayamala.

My Day Today.

I woke up by 4.30 AM today.After brushing teeth,I had coffee.I meditated for some time and set about the day,cleaning the house.Some more cleaning remains to be done.After bath,I took the van to Ashram at Hunsur.Came back by 11.30 Am,was ravenously hungry and cooked and ate.I have to start cleaning the house again,but will start at 3PM(time now 1.50PM).Feeling tired.

While in Ashram was feeling light.Now also I am feeling light.Carrying on.

Jayamala.

A Little Lost Am I ......continued.

A little lost am I today,

Looking at this wide canvass of life.

There are dowry deaths,There are children laboring,

Murder for gains and political assaults.


I see toiling old age in the hight of summer,

I see women fighting for a pot of water.

I see children begging prodded by hunger.

I also see lots of goodies hanging in baskets in the shop window too.


Justice?What is its second name?

Equity?If law had been equitable,

Will there be so many on its corridors?

The black coats will be on pegs then.



So a little lost am I today,

Reading the papers,watching news.

But something wakes up in me,

Saying it has been there,this inequity,

It is but our duty to make what mite we can,

So that a day dawns for some one,

With a little less struggle.


Yes,this life is very wide canvass,


But you can have your color too.

I smile, and I am no more lost.


Jayamala.

Some Thoughts Continued.

Yesterday night was sleepless,for obvious reasons.Nowadays I do not think of taking a tablet to aid sleep,though I am very restricted about using it,even earlier.I had this thought,that when you really set about it you can give up many things.

I understood suddenly,why I am unable to enjoy movies,chat,even writing in 'orkut',discussions. I have crossed those stages.When one moves forward,with regard to relationships and its meanings and then one reflect the meaning of life,then one can observe the silence that underlines all the earlier chattering s.Earlier it was imperative for me to verbalize,not anymore.This silence is a blessing indeed. It has given me strength to the permanent absence of my beloved,and gave depth to the spiritual meaning of what it is to be silent.Perhaps as I continue I might even discard the verbalization being done here too.I am indulging in it,only to keep track of how my mind has evolved of late.

Gone are the urge to phone up home,expect phones from support friends, and I could hold on to a sleepless night, with the conscious filled in with thoughts of him who is gone.

I now know why My Master says that,life is to be lived like a walking corpse.Be dead to this life.Death must be the door to eternity and a different dimension.Evolution might come as one reaches that door.I will develop these later.

Jayamala.

A Beautiful Day.

My perception of a beautiful day,is right from waking up.If I sleep right,I get up bright.:).I like my coffee strong.So had coffee and as I go and water my potted plants,I found one creamy white lily in bloom.As I came up after watering the plants,a gentle breeze caressed me and I was ready for my day.

I play my favorite classical music C.D. and do my house work,listening to it.Wipe the dust over the show pieces,swab the stain out from the floor and innumerable tidbits of tidying up a house.This house is where I have been happy in my own way.Here some beautiful days have been caused because of my hospitality,my care and my rallying up to receive and entertain guests.

I take bath.Slightly hot,shower gently caressing me.My tiredness is gone.I do love a good ,refreshing bath.My breakfast consists today of just a soup.I am dieting you know.:).After doing meditation and relaxing with a book I browse the net,see my mails.Care is shown via E-mail by so many friends and relatives.

The noon is hot as it is summer, but my room has a view of green trees.I take up my book again and read.It is evening now and the afternoon heat has given way to the gentle breeze again and I go for my evening group exercises.I am relaxed and do some more walking in the park with some friends.Chit chat consists of various news items,the water problem,the political asides and usually no gossip.

Coming back I notice the setting sky scape and note the colors.The night creeps gently and I am ready for another night with browsing,writing and reading.Dinner?Of course.Just light food that are left overs of the day or some time freshly made as per my inclination.

To day was beautiful.I am happy and smiling.

Jayamala.

Some Thoughts On Giving Up.

I was thinking about the obsessive need in me to give things up.When I was reading Dr. Phillip C McGraw's book 'Life Strategies',using his methods I was analyzing myself.

I asked the following questions.

1) Why must I feel like giving things up?

2) what pleasure does it give me?

3) If I do recognize the pleasure aspect why do I do it?

Analyzing myself I get the following answers.

1) I want to give up things as I feel cluttered all around with unnecessary possessions.The people who are in control of my life wants to have these possessions and I react to that control by wanting to give up.

2)Yes, there is pleasure in giving up.I feel for some time divine,benevolent. I have this need to prove benevolence time and again.

3)I do it again and again just to prove that I can be in control too of myself.Self worth?I have to think about it.

I will continue with this topic.

Silence.

I am silent now.Everything around me in this room is also silent.Only a very slight pleasant breeze sauntering in silently.So also the very soft music played.Even though I have started by telling you,that I am silent,I am playing a very soft music and also having a soft breeze of which I am conscious.

Does that mean I am not silent?Even this typing out of thoughts on being silent might be a noise of the mind.But still I am sure,I am silent.It is because I am aware of the calmness in my mind.The desire to express also is lessened, and because of my trained or rather the subconscious push, to put what I am experiencing in words, is what makes me write this soliloquy on silence.

I am feeling less and less connection with the past.The 'self' seems to grow and mature each moment.In fact I was not so yesterday.I felt angry ,when I observed unequal distribution of produces of the ashram(mangoes),by some people entrusted with the job.Though I am very much aware of the human traits and can analyze them,I am still come to terms with my anger that raises its head,when I observe these by the so called sahaj Margis.


I am also aware of my own short coming,in these matters.One becomes so addicted to perfection ,that it becomes obsessive behavior.I have to work on it.This anger has always been there in me.

With regard to silence ,I am observing that the sense of loss has made me aware of the short comings in this thing called life and I have let go of many things that I had thought precious.Silence is the resultant equilibrium gained by me in all these chattering s done by the mind.But many times the maintenance of the condition ,has to be improved by me.

But when I feel these golden silence in me.I feel happy and the sun's rays,the waving branches of trees and the flight of the eagle over head observed by me accentuates the silence around me.Then I walk with 'Him' who is no more now in my life.The 'precious 'then gives tears to my eyes and I walk on,because' I have to'.


Jayamala.

A rainy Day For You.

A rainy day with thunder storms,

Oh! it poured with hail stones.


Sweltering heat the day wore me down,


I was withering with the dust and the heat.



Oh! What respite a rain does bring.

Earth,the mother wilted with heat,

Just sparkled with her greens everywhere.

Rain over house tops washing the dust away,

Pools on the dusty roads ,sweet smelling,

An earthy scent every where.



Jayamala.

Some Thoughts.

I was reading on some topics that related to near death experiences.I have my own view with regard to such experiences.Some have said that the experience of going through a tunnel towards light which most have experienced is the memory of birth trauma,experienced by us we as we come to earth through the mother's womb.The light at the tunnel being our connection to the world,that is mostly the well lit hospital room.

So what is my idea about birth and death?How do I relate to death?I have no confusion about birth as birth is an aftermath of conjugal bliss,to put it decently in words.A birth becomes anguish as in the recently published news item in a local daily(SOM),when the father suicided as his daughter born has been a baby with disability.The father was destitute and possibly his worries as to the life long sustenance of the baby girl and future woman ,was beyond his means.I understand this death.The father did not think that consolation will come through God,through society and through one's own self will.

This brings me to the matter of death.When I can understand this death why is it that I am unable to understand certain types of death.The youth at the prime of his life on the road.In all cases of road accidents it has been said that both are responsible somehow.This again through another news item that came in the paper refutes.Here three teachers one of them retired and who had possibly come to see one of his friends were ground to death by a car driver recklessly as he shot over the road divider.The teachers ,all the three were just standing on the opposite side waiting for their bus.This car was on the opposite side of the road and it overshot the divider and ran them over.I think here only destiny can be the word in describing the three teacher's death.So also in the other case of the youth not at fault can be also of destiny.But this destiny is unacceptable because the teachers have lived for some time,past their fifties.

At this point I am unable to answer some questions.I am aware why,but unable to accept. It is just like knowing that some one who is related to you is not that merciful but one is unable to comment.One only knows.Why am I like this?I always come to this point and stops.For me also life has become tedious and I pray for mercy from God.

The answer is that one has just to be and some where one will get an answer.Also one might even come to a stage where answers do not matter. Am I at that stage?

Jayamala.

What Emptiness Do I hold On.

What emptiness do I hold on,

At the end of this day.

A day so forlorn,I seldom,

Walked,but was on crutches,

Most time.



This path called life,

What does it teach me,

Why does it abandon me,

Orphaned though,I am,

With an unsung muse.



I just loved,I just drizzled,

Like that dewy rain,

That falls gently over the grassy slope,

But I never knew the pelting hailstones,

That comes with a rain unpredicted.


Oh! this is life,this pelting stones,

So much so,You just believe me,

When I say that,so unprecedented,

A storm,a blitzkrieg,this life.

For it does raze to ground,our support.


For I hold on to emptiness,

Daring life to snatch this away.


Jayamala.

I Want To Move Away.

I want to move away from you,

For the simple reason I am not me anymore.


I thought I was love when you spoke to me.


But I know that I cannot be.



Where ever and when ever I feel you ,


You shall come at my beck and call.


Voluble and impatient I just own you,


Volatile and insensitive I will use you too.


Anger? yes,Anger wells up in me,

When you just disobey me,

Intolerant and abusive I will turn out to be.



Yes.I do want to move away from this turmoil,

You create in me my muse for who shall come,

When I call so depreciatingly aloud.



Jayamala.

Today.

Today I went to Satsangh at Ashram at Hunsur road by van and came back by van too.I am peaceful.I was seeing light and feeling my Master and him who is gone too.I am slowly letting go too.While returning I was feeling silence inside too and a bit distant with all the co travelers around too.

Just now,I am listening to Malladi Brothers ,singing in Raga.com.this is one activity that I have found giving lots of solace.I am now prepared for the next round of life as long as it lasts.Not much expectation.So bye for now.

Jayamala.

Learn To Mellow.

I think it is essential to be mellow in our thoughts.No more uses for superfluous and angry thoughts. angry thoughts come as a result of dwelling on hurts.Superfluous thoughts because one does not know how to stop thoughts.

when one grows in thoughts and cleaning of irrational thoughts are done routinely giving attention,then thoughts are invariably mellow.You ripe slowly and surely in thoughts.It gives you so much relief too.One should not become too much aware of this mellowing mood as humility is also some times a sin.Often a sense falsehood accompanies humility.It takes a really discerning mind to know this falsehood in us.This one of the reason why more and more social mingling is being avoided by me. I have to be false sometimes at these occasions.What an attitude change in me from last 10 months.

I am glad in fact,knowing that I tried and have changed.

Jayamala.

A Bit Of Yellow For You.

Here is a bit of yellow for you,

the color of jealousy.

For to whom shall I toll this bell?

This bell of my mind clamoring,

In defeat.


wars have been won with lesser Armour,

But with you I am but a gentle arrow.

The arrow so sharp,you will not know,

Its grief when tingling you with sharpness.


Yellow is my color today,

as I combat my skill with you in argument.

For who shall love you,

As I did,show me one for I shall but vanquish,

That fear of mine.


Jayamala.

A Street Dog.

A street dog,it just was lying down in a corner,

I did not notice but ,its tail was wagging at me.

At Me !!Why doggie,I am not fond of you.

when indifference strikes,why waste affection?


The posture was severe ,but the dog did not know it.

All dogs are like that,the journal does say so.

They love and you will love tehm back,

They are different from cats,

Who but love the home they live in.


Just like a lover who loved you for money,

Just like a friend who was indifferent.

Just like success which comes when unsought,

But vanishes when you need it most.

and just like money which loses its meaning when you earn it at last.


Hm...Can I stop here?

The street dog is but our mind,

Running after left overs and thinking that,

To gain love one should wag one's tail.

A well told tale?Was it?Tell me the truth.


Jayamala.

Some Musings.

I was thinking about how we are forced to play act many times in life.This thought came to me as I was replying/participating in replying one question posed in orkut groups.After replying some question, I thought why am I bothered to write,when sometimes the questions are so irrelevant.

That made me think,many times when you reach a certain level of thinking after years of contemplation,activities does not matter.So debates do not satisfy and answers are unsavory after a certain time.Only the conquering of the mind remains as an objective.After that it is silence and when you reach that goal too,perhaps it is time to log out of groups.This is what is happening to me and at those times, stamps like loneliness and aloneness does not matter at all.

Jayamala.

Pain.

Yes! I am in pain again.Each day goes with the slowness, that only a heated day and sweaty night can ensure.Sleep does not come easily.After four days of indifferent and restless sleep of nominal hours one night ,sleep that rare guest will come.Next day I do wake up without headache.

Preparations for the day is done and when one is about to feel a little restful,this pain comes.It comes with that intenseness that is gripping your innate being.again restlessness and no amount of writing will give solace then.

The slow ebbing of the painful soul is achieved by just shutting one's eyes and seeing nothing.You do not want the world then with you.Outside the window the flowers are golden yellow and it falls.The street side is golden yellow too,with the half dried flowers in the intense heat of the sun.The after noons are just silent and serene and shimmering heat.Just heat and nothing more.The pain ebbs a little now.

One has to live with this pain to know its nature.it comes unexpectedly and you have to welcome it and brace yourself for it to subside too.Physical pain one can deal with the tablets.You swallow one and can hope for respite .But mental pain.....How do you cope up.Just wait.It will ebb like a low tide leaving the shores.Just then the sun comes up.Another day and another matter surfaces.You are your own again and the pain of living dead is no more in you,at least just at that moment.You are then face to face with God.

Jayamala.

Another Debate.

I was reading about these discussions on India's world Cup cricket debacle.I am giving my views on the following.

1) should Sachin retire?

Yes,I will say.It is already agreed that he is one of the greatest in sports.Now he has not been able to deliver and so why not retire and make way for lots of talented youngsters.

2)Should there be a foreign coach?

I have seen most of the discussions on it.I think it will be better if a foreign coach is there as they are much more professional in handling issues.Look at Vengasarkar.He could not express what he wanted correctly.Look at Greg Chappal.He clearly says that the seniors are just not delivering.

3)The present state of cricket in India.

I do understand the cricket mania amongst Indians. I think the game is suited to the body construction of Indians.So the game will continue to be popular.Unless real discipline and real management of team selection is done on merit,there are no solutions for Indian cricket to prosper.

4)What then is the future?

I feel knowing Indian management I feel it will be difficult to expect overnight miracles.Every one will get news now of what Sachin says,what yuvaraj thinks and after reading everything cricket will remain same.One more day in the distant past for a glorious and dreamy outing and effortless win.Dream you Indian fan without knowing what ills beset the scene.Still hope is the name of future you know and you always can wait.Indians are great in waiting and then watching.

Jayamala.

A Debate.

Yesterday there was a debate at our monthly gathering.The topic to be discussed was 'Change in self after joining SahajxMarg.' Sahaj Marg is what I practice for my spiritual life.I was not in favor of this topic as I felt that most would just say very superficial things that happened in their lives and also the change cannot be sometimes discussed openly.The center in charge was somehow a curious person and he did not understand my objection to the theme selected for debate.Thankfully there were others who also thought likewise and the topic was debated actually for why one cannot choose that subject.

I now come to the real issue that I feel crops up in such meetings.I do find that many followers are just not amenable for really saying why a thing cannot be called as a regular subject of discussion.Blind following of the Master is there as some feel that it is decided so and hence cannot be discussed at all.For example when the topic for expansion of the system was being discussed I had opined that they find means for increasing 'satsanghs',in different areas and on different days as the present attendance on Sundays can be inconvenient to women especially as women are loaded with house work on Sundays.

The above suggestion was not favorably viewed as the idea was that it was decided by the Master and how can one question it.I had to again clarify that it can be put forward as suggestion by the prospective abhyasis.I am coming to the conclusion that as you progress and the mission grows more and more ritualism like in religious worship does come in organizations too.Though the organization did start as negating system for ritualism still at some point structure implies more orders not to be changed and so rituals again.So the old order of having Monday as special pooja for Lord Siva followed by religious people have manifested here as Sunday satsangh having special significance.

This does not mean that I am opposed to having structures but what I am highlighting is that after all is said and done when an organization grows it exhibits the same flaws that was there in earlier such structures too.It takes some guts to agree that it is so and cannot be helped.Most of the time I prefer a personal God that will be my mainstay so that all such negative elements can be avoided.

I hope I have argued myself out properly.I may have to write again to clarify my thoughts further.

Jayamala.

To You Alone.

To you alone this my grief,

Unspoken words in pain.

Irresolute and utterly palpable,

This heart beats your rhythm.


Whereas you have stopped,

Being with me with that beating heart,

Ever mine but unknown to me it stopped.

Whose fault?Mine?Or was that you hurrying up?


Follow me you have said,

But in moaning I am unable to say,

I cannot ,as I will stumble and fall,

For I know not this way as you had gone ahead.


The wayfarer seeks what is not his,

For he does not know that time does matter.

Time ! That ever chiming great monarch,

who does not know timing and erratically snatches,


What is not his.Oh! I am angry.


Jayamala.

The Ultimate Philosophy.

I am writing about sorrow as a door to the discovery of our ultimate philosophy.Philosophic leanings are not something to be wondered at or thought of as fit for old age people with nothing to hold on to.I see unexpectedly many youngsters who have come face to face with the question' what is the meaning of life'?Most of them come to it after experiencing what youthful exuberance gave them and enjoyed it,be it a love affair or climbing the career ladder outwitting many peers.

But after reaching where they want to be,looking back they found that they were not as happy as they expected before the affair was enjoyed or the career prospects reached.So the question loomed in front of them,why?

To someone who had easy access to money as a means of happiness,when the person for whom that money was being made,for example a son,when that son was no more,the idea of that money was lost as means of happiness.This was a householder who had climbed the social ladder the hard way,saving and making a huge balance in a bank account.This father never enjoyed his life.He was always conserving it for his son.

Then the question comes up,whether it was wrong not to enjoy life?Or should one have enjoyed life?

I think none can give an answer.What should have been our ultimate philosophy in life?Perhaps this randomness about life and its end is what makes the philosopher so silent when explicit questions are asked.For one answer can be done with another question.That is why it is ideal in philosophy for one to be silent.Silence as the language of the Gods.

Here the concept about what is God comes up.To many God is that power which they face when answers are unknown.Accepting that such a power exists is a relief to many.For doubting the existence of this power leads to more search.Accepting God's existence at least makes one end of the problem of the question of meaning of life a little easier to deal with.God and the merging with God as the painless solution to the problems of existence ,is ideal.Here search has one end.

So thinking along these lines we come to the fact that pain is what life has offered to mankind so far.And it takes so much experience sometimes sudden and at times after slow and steady moving ahead in life and looking back makes one aware of.So pain is so much and of such grievous nature that man just wants to lie down and call God to help him out of that.One goes to the fetal position,curling inside the dark,warmth of the womb of this life.

So life is nothing but pain and so one wants to come out of this.The ultimate philosophy says that accept this pain and observe this pain and be with it and one day you will come out and see that you are out of it.

Some Thing Died In Me With You.

Some thing died in me with you,

My youth and exuberance,

Unbalanced , but gloriously in tandem,

With a carefree day.


If only you were there,

I could have spoken,

Of this ache in me,

That calls for solitude,

That makes me grope,

In the darkness of my youth.


But seldom have I found,

Solitude when needed.

For youth cannot,

Hold on to darkness forever.


Hence I say something died in me,

With you now gone forever.


Jayamala.

A Day In The Past.

Walking through the house,

She came across the cupboard.

The walls are peeled,

The floor is all broken.

It has grown old,this house,

Where she had been young.



Memories were there ,

Of this room in the west,

Where the setting sun played,

Its golden harp.

She saw the tree across the window,

Casting its shadow of weaving lights.


She was on a swing this girl of her youth,

Swinging with passion and with friends.

Oh! What days were those,

The days in the past.

Can one bring them back?

The days that were true,

With only small hurts,

That were forgotten when the day was done.

Those days in the past,she wants them back.

Can one?If only, I can?

She sat there with her old age and the burden

Of a long lost dream,of being in a house with dreams.


Jayamala.

It Is Going To Be Some Time Before....

It is going to be some time before,

I talk to you.

Life just limps by with crutches,

That are just hollow.


How can one expect peace?

When just then you have gone,

Without a word for me,

And I just wait.


It is going to be some time before,

I can smile again.

Or just be,that bad am I.

Do you know this?


Nature smiles,the flowers have come out,

Heralding spring.

It is hot outside,but hidden in that heat,

Lies these golden flowers.


Golden as your memory is,

Brighter than the illuminated sky,

That showers the stars at night.

You!!!!!!!! who can outshine all else.



Jayamala.

A Little Lost Am I .

A Little lost am I today,
Tired of days and nights.
Wearier in spirits and seeking a ray,
That will stream through this desolate night.

Neither books nor the idiot box,
Thrills me today.
I cannot seek,for I am but a novice at it.
Not knowing how to seek or ask for help,
One does lose one's way through this life.

What is better?
A helping hand?or a crutch of one's own mind?
A little lost am I today.
Can you tell me why?

Jayamala.

A Heart Full Of Solitude.

This heart does grieve with no respite,

Shall I just go and drown myself in my sorrow?

Or shall I but look for you in vain,

In those multitudes who just are driving by.


It was but a transitory moment in fancy,

With you in tow in my solitary day.

The day passed and the sun went down,

But you went driving by to eternities brink.

A momemt is lost and you with that moment in my life,

Where shall I grieve for you and in what way?

This heart is full of solitude now for,

When you stand at death's door ,

It does not ask you to knock and come,

And you my sweet,went there without invitation.

Looking At Pain Objectively.

I have been since some times trying to look at pain objectively.I define pain as that feeling which constricts and restricts you to desperation.I feel that,pain materializes where you are attached to the person/objects.

So objects and attachments go together and why does pain come there?Because somewhere your expectation of the sensation of happiness is destroyed.The destruction happens because of your viewing the possession as final.Fate says,not so you Fool,you cannot decide it.Fate somehow snatches it away from you.

What you do not have you do not possess.So after the dispossession occurs you do not know how to react to the new situation.

Now how will you look at this new situation.For that you have to learn to 'lose loss'.This is not so easy .Like a fish out of water ,you flail with untold misery.But you must swim if you do not want to die an emotional death.

I am unable to write anymore.I will revert to the deeper analysis later.

Jayamala.

To A Sunset.

I was but weary,walking these streets,

Empty with darkness of the dead.

I was searching for my sun,

Whom I had lost to this enfolding darkness.

My spirit was down and I just wanted to lie down,

Like that street dog beside a garbage can.

Life was but wasted effort without the sun,

Dark and cloudy with untold thoughts,

That were pregnant with questions.

You there my son?Who could answer these?

For were you not my sun,eternal at rest?

Me! your Mom is walking these streets of restless nights.

Come! Take her home to give her a bed,

Along with you in a sunny world.


Jayamala.

A Long Pass.

I am now at a long pass,in my life.Why?Because I have lost something that was precious to me.I realize the value of it after I have lost it.Could I have prevented its loss?This question does haunt me.Some times I feel it is destiny.But somehow after its occurrence,I do not think it is destiny.So flimsy a name cannot be given to it.Because it somehow degrades the dignity of that happening.So I just feel now that let it be.Let it pain and it will come to a head of its own.

Jaaymala.

After a long time.

I am writing again after a long time.A personal tragedy has prevented me from writing.I am now beginning to express myself,so that the pain will be a little less.What have I done meanwhile.Just reading and clinging to philosophy.Sometimes even philosophy as a crutch does not work.At those times,I am meditating and the pain is a little less.Some how I am not having the energy or the urge to write too.The poetic impulse in me has dried up.I am very weary in my mind just now.The heart feels like lead. But if I cannot express my pain here where will I do it.I hope to recover.I want my faith to heal me and lead me on the road to recovery.

Jayamala.

Iam trying to get up and walk.

I am writing here after sometime.So much pain has flown down ,time during that period.Today I am feeling a little collected.I have been thinking about how a human being when faced with pain cope up with it.God has indeed given man strength to get up and walk about.

In those times of misery we do seek various crutches.Even straws like rituals and astrological readings have been resorted.Friends and relatives gathered around with various illustrations to show us how kind had indeed been God.

In me there was a period where I just could not look at or think of God.I was angry with him for doing such a cruel thing to a flower ,so nice with its smell and so sweet in its life ,for having crushed it under the wheels of a truck.

I do not want to write anymore today.I just want to maintain this very fragile equilibrium that I have got today.

Jayamala.