A Day Of Sushine.

Today is very hot here.I went out for some purchases as Iam going to my brother's place for ten days.The sun was stinging and by the time I reached home I was thirsty.

Iam in good mood today though.Just now was talking to someone who needs help.I think I helped by talking to him.So also Iam going tomorrow to help my sister-in-law who has her daughter delivering a baby boy.

A journey in anticipation always thrills me.


I have this habit of always thinking what dresses should I take for the journey and packing and then when really going, taking some other dresses and not the ones that I kept already.I used to analise this nature of mine.One of my friend had said that ,as Iam very much living alone anything that disturbes it is causing a ripple in my mind and so the hyperactvity.I talk also too much to people and the reason again she said is this living alone.I think that she is right.Many a time it is sort of easy for people to make me spend for them too.The priest can get money from me, the astrologer whom I visited for a friend with that friend also in tow is paid by me and not that friend.I have again and again been doing these acts of unnecessary committments and I have one day written down the reason for this trait of mine.

I feel like throwing money in drain as I feel every committment made by me when I feel sympathetic to be acted on.That was why I gave an unnecessary Rs50 /to that flower vendor with whom I only took flowers once.After thinking and making a determined effort to do away with the trait I again fall into the same grrove.Think now.Here is a list.
1)One book with music class friend.Even after reminding her she is yet to return the book.
2)One book with Ex-Office friend.
3)Three books with friend's daughter.
4)One book with friend's son.
5)Two or may be three books with nephew.
6)Two orginal C.D.'s and four other C.D.'s with net service provide who have been reminded to return them through his partner.Not yet received.
7)The carpenter has taken my slightly costly sprayer.Has not returned.


Why Am I like this?Only my God knows.Thank God Iam related to Him and He understands why Iam like this.I intend to get these things recovered though.HMmm.

A last note pertains to my deplorable habit of thinking that all my net friends are my true friends.Otherwise why should I be perturbed by my getting a message that such and such logged out(How I can get such a note when that person has been in invisible mode to me I do not know),and I think why that person did not talk to me.Anyway Iam thankful for this blogging that helps me by letting me offload these traits of mine here.Yes, It is time for me to move on,perhaps with different traits and perhaps with the way Iam.

A Day Of Sunshine.

Today is very hot here.I went out for some purchases as Iam going to my brother's place for ten days.The sun was stinging and by the time I reached home I was thirsty.

Iam in good mood today though.Just now was talking to someone who needs help.I think I helped by talking to him.So also Iam going tomorrow to help my sister-in-law who has her daughter delivering a baby boy.

A journey in anticipation always thrills me.


I have this habit of always thinking what dresses should I take for the journey and packing and then when really going, taking some other dresses and not the ones that I kept already.I used to analise this nature of mine.One of my friend had said that ,as Iam very much living alone anything that disturbes it is causing a ripple in my mind and so the hyperactvity.I talk also too much to people and the reason again she said is this living alone.I think that she is right.Many a time it is sort of easy for people to make me spend for them too.The priest can get money from me, the astrologer whom I visited for a friend with that friend also in tow is paid by me and not that friend.I have again and again been doing these acts of unnecessary committments and I have one day written down the reason for this trait of mine.

I feel like throwing money in drain as I feel every committment made by me when I feel sympathetic to be acted on.That was why I gave an unnecessary Rs50 /to that flower vendor with whom I only took flowers once.After thinking and making a determined effort to do away with the trait I again fall into the same grrove.Think now.Here is a list.

1) one book with music class friend.Even after reminding her she is yet to return it.
2) Another book with ex-office friend.
3)Another two books with friend's daughter.
4)One book with another friend's son.
5)Two original C.D.'s and three other C.D."s with netservice provider who is yet to return it even though I reminded him indirectly through his partner.
6)Another contemptible trait of mine is that I think the persons with whom I interact in net are my friends and when I see the message that so and so logged out(How?When the person had been in invisible mode can I get a message that says he logged out?), I think he had ignored me.

Iam really cosoled with this blog wherein I have written my not so shiny habits.Of course I have started with a sunny day though and Iam determined to get all these back to me.

Somewhere in my heart there is a hole and Iam trying to fill in with these acts ?Are they born out of my meekness and nature wanting to please or am I a fool,proving that idiom 'a fool and his money are easily parted'.

Hmm???Iam sighing, resigning myself to HIM who really knows me perhaps.Thank GOD Iam related to you.

An Innermost sadness.

Iam somehwhat sad with the happenings.I expected this end long back as I have gone through this same end years before and also in another instant also.But why does the heart still feel?

A relationship is entered into when another was going through the wilting pace.I still remember the action initiated as I waited for the other one.So an emptiness has been tried to be filled in by another relationship thinking it will heal one.Actually the pretension was that it was for healing oneself.On some occasions when the other one came back too,the present one was just endured as a matter of courtesy.You know that what mattered really was the first one and this is just medicine for healing.So why does one feel now also when the medicine also wants to go?

The heart is a very strange commodity.I did not allow the emptiness to conquer me as I was actually wanting everything to end.The final conclusion is always that Iam not made for these things.Do not think that Iam pretending to salvage something.No.Definitely 'No', in capital letters.It only stresses that even though Iam aware still I seek in this disillusioned world of relationships, wanting satisfaction,hoping to get what I do not think I have.Note the implication of this thought.I only think I do not have.I can never be assured for Iam made like that.The karmic readings said it is my past influencing the present.I do believe I can never hold even if iam given ,as I will tend to break it with my own versions of faith and compatability and may be possessiveness.

Meditation, temple worship ,reading , philosophy and all the blogging one does will not fill this emptiness.It is a vast hole and I better be aware of this hole which is a hell of a hole in me and avoid further pitfalls.Recover and recover fast is my murmur to my own self the silent witness to this prosecution.

A Poem.

A swaying wind.

--------------------
A wind blew through the earth

swaying trees manifesting this draught

it caught the ocean in its crescent

I see it run through the meadow playing with the blades of grass.


The wind is now in my mind

and it runs with me to the distant youth of my past

I played with it and it streamed my hair dancing with me.

Oh!Wind talk to me,Will you when you are calm and is not streaking about !!!!!!

A day Well Began Is A Day Of Smiles.

I started today really in an orderly manner.Woke up at 5A.M.and ironed all the cloths after coffee.Though I had my hedache and took tablets along with coffee still the ironing proved to be giving a push up to the day for order.After that I started sorting my paper work and filed whatever needed to be filed and then made the room orderly too.Then went to pay the telephone bill and then music class and there in the music class felt happiness creeping in as the music master played the veena really well today.I was listening and was at rest mentally. I actually wanted to ask him that would he be playing for himself when alone at his house.But decided that the mood will be changed by the question.

After the music class went to see about my outside work and after finishing that came and cooked and ate and Iam now at the blog telling you about this day only half finished .Will be going to meditate and then will definitely be at peace today I know that too.There is a smile inside me today.

A binocular as a gift.

Iam subscriber to The Reader's Digest.I had an offer from them for some animal/birds collection flaps and I took it though I do have Amazing Nature probably dealing with the same topic a gift they have sent one binocular. I looked at the trees around my street and was happy to catch the honeybirds nearby.

A large perspective is nice in cases like bird watching.Otherwise an enlarged view is sometime not very pleasant.An enlarged gland is decease .So I think an equilibrium is what we all need.

My Views On Ethnic Prejudices.

Just now I read one blog by name 'Jokes And Humour On Line' and in one posting the writer has just said everything possible about his shortish philippinian sister-in-law.He hates his brother's wife and all conversation recorded shows his utter hatred.

I agree that prejudices are there in every relationship.The subtle prejudices on color, race and language and food habits and even body smells are all there.But should they be spit out in the open ina blog when it is being open for everyone's view.Mind you it was not closed to others.Every one could read it,and even a philppinian has commented on it.Some might say that it is hideous and incorrect to have prejudices that are there but unexpressed.It is they say hipocrisy.

At this time I remember my own prejudice regarding the color black.I used to think of my color prejudice when I proposals for marriage was coming.My father used to reject all the persons with the color a little less saying you will have children with that color and later on problems for their marriage.In my life I did come across a good friend who was both black and short too.Highly intelligent she and me shared many views including our views on prejudices .When I look back I feel unless you interact with person you will not know them.For that person who wrote about his sis-in-law too the same could be said.Suppose he finds that with all her defects she did support his old parents during their old age and sisters-in-laws during their difficult times he will not notice a short statured woman but see a loving person.Iam sorry he saw only the person superficially.

A question on compatability.

I have been reading many articles on compatability.The minute Reader's Digest comes I used to look for either articles on health or articles on compatability.Most of the articles are really life management, time management, emotional management and even diet management.

So compatability is achieved when one decides to do away with certain traits of the person having compatability problems and new habits and better way of looking at the problem area are pointed out to him/her.Usually the person is on his/her way to cure when awareness that the problem is there and decides to change.So a person who is deemed compatabile is one who takes the situational changes in life ina better and smarter way.

A person is not compatabile when she/he is unable to take the situation and stays there brooding and thinking that the problem lies with others around him/her.So one measure of compatability is that one knows one's own limitations and also identifies that the problem is with one's self.This way of looking at situations in life is best when instead of searching elsewhere ,one searches only one's inner nature and rectifies the deflections ,and either lives better or at least accepts the situation.So even when a situation is not completely resolved ,even then the very fact that one knows that the situation is as it will be or is not liable to change for the present makes one a better compatable person.

Also one has to somehow find other sustaining means like a general interest elsewhere like reading, walking, singing ,even talking or writing as Iam dong just now sees one through difficult paces.Ultimately one does learn to exist with the least friction with one's own self.That is I think the one trait of a compatable person.

A Stray Thought And Me.

A stray thought came uncalled in

I stayed with it for a while.

I did not like it and so wanted it to go away.

It did stick with me like gum.

I tried washing it away in mindless wander,

no! it wont go that way it said to me.

I lost sleep over it and twisted and turned to churn it away,


But still it stayed this unwanted guest with me.

I got used to it and then one fine day I found that the thought was no more!!

Hm...I should have ignored it in the first place.

A day for stray thoughts

Today Iam going in to give to stray thoughts that wander in like uninvited guests.In meditation they are asked to be not given attention to so that they will go away like uninvited guests.

How are we supposed to treat uninvited guests?We all have encountered them. The insurance girl who pesters and who cannot be told not to have hope.The neighbour's brother who probably is not given any food even by them comes and waits for a meal.The stray gardner who if possible will do the work with the least possible skill but expects us to give him all the encouragement.These are some examples of the uninvited guests and are real persons.

But I am dealing with uninvited thoughts.Thoughts that are not personally of any use in uplifting me are bad guests.Iam down with them as I realise the basic flaw in me is that Iam between the ideal and the flirtatious woman.This combination is not a happy one as one wants and yet will never enjoy what one can get.Has the stray defaulter felt this conflict when he does not pay up.Has the true one felt this conflict when he is untrue for a change or is compelled to be so.

I think thoughts are habits.If you stop thinking then there does not seem to be much uninvited guests there I think.

Some Visitors.

I had some visitors yesterday.This evening,just now about half an hour back they left.A cousin and an aunt.the cousin was my age and had suffered a lot in her life.She also had taken lot of burden related to her family.I had also done it but the difference was that I have a little independent income whereas she has not.

I did give some present to both the aunt and the cousin and I know they are happy with the reception and time spent by me on them.Iam not saying this as I have ego.But iam trying to explain the thought that when they do not even bring one friut for me why Iam doing so much. Went and picked them up and dropped them and spent on them too.The astrological reading about my personality of day before yesterday was that I might have been doing these to saisfy some urge in me and in these columns I have indeed agreed with that reading.

I feel I will not be myself if I do not do these things.This anlisis Iam writing after the actions are done.Everytime it happens like that only.But I think Iam happy doing it.That is my personality.So Iam,so I will be.Again it is because I feel Iam giving a little solace to much needed stale lives.

Iam happy so let me be.I will revert to this analisis later.

An Ordinary Day.

Today was an ordinary day for me.The thought that came to my mind when I was searching for a title for today's blog made me think on the subject of how we are prone for classification.Why I should want a day to be not ordinary and why we should want all our days to be not ordinary and what the norm for extraordinary??

That brings me to the arguement that somehow humanbeings have classified their every work to be ordinary and not so ordinary.If Iam a house wife does that mean Iam doing ordinary work and suppose my ordinary work is not done for a day won't that become extraordinary!!

But Iam again getting into the same rut that I want to avoid ,is it not?Sometime I feel that progress in thoughts have been made so complicated that a simple thing is made difficult.So I think that I should not have an ordinary day.

This brings me to hasten to conclude that Iam to have just a day and Iam thankful for that.That I think is the extraordinary factor of this day.Thank you God for this sense and also this sensibility to know the difference in my being.

Reading as a past time.

Iam reading three books at a time .They are Grisham's " The Broker",Amartya Sen's "The Argumentative Indian",and' Minor Upanishads"published by Ramakrishna Math.

Grisham is telling the story well in this drama of a Presidential pardon and the story is interesting. I usually judge my interest in the book when I am not inclined to look at the end.

The Argumentative Indian is very absorbing to the say the least.It needs a sustained and intellectually alert reading mind.Definitely not boring and Iam surprised that Amartya Sen has taken so much pain in telling his views about the psyche of the Indian.Since Iam one and I do follow what he is trying to tell us I find the reading quite enlightening.I used to think that amongst the public figures who were also writers it was Nehru who was thinking when he was trying to tell us something relevant.Now here is definitely one more person who is trying to tell us why we are so in our dealings and thinking.Everyone should read this book and it should be prescribed for if not schools at least to college students.

Next ofcourse I need not say what the Upanishads are!.I found many of the concepts well explained and some like the explanation of the dhyana on the Pranava Mantra and the Atman easy to understand.Many of my doubts are cleared and Iam now definite that though many spiritual leaders including my Master ask us to follow a certain method the Upanishads have already told them to us.The advise by the spiritual followers are directed towards asking everyone to concentrate on one method as the Upanishads are explaining all the methods.It is like covering all the syllabus in the schools and then asking students to study the most relevant so that the scoring will be better.

My conflict of yesterday is resolved by the reading of the upanishad especially the chapter on "Yoga Thatwopanishad', the 43 rd Upanishad.There ,it is said that 'Ajgyana' is 'Samsara".And Gyana is moksha.So though Iam aware of the agyana of my desire and consider it as my' maya ',and am not taking any action to come out of that,still when reading this aspect of our lives ,the pain I felt waiting and still in not conquering myself is lessened as I know now that there are no two ways for resolution of the conflict.I must leave the desire.I must accept this loneliness in me and dig deep within me to escape.The way to Mukthi is this testing of my 'Maya'veil.

Iam as a result feeling fine today.here are no way that I feel I like.The way that is painless is the right way and it cannot be compromised.

A sense of foreboding.

I have a sense of borefoding today.This comes in pursuing areas that are forbidden.Like Nancy Friday's Secret Garden( I have not read that book though, though I can guess what she could have written.),I have also trodden the path of adventurism.Every thing ends one day, so this also has to.

The boy is suggesting an adventure with him too I think.He could have threatened my friend or even he could be allowing this to happen.Or he could be doing it on his own volition.Any way I might handle it with care.End of fun I think.

I thought I will actually send an Email to my friend informing him of the episode and composed it too but thought it better not to send it.Why pile more unnecessary action.The astrology warning and reading of me seems to be correct.The prediction was that I must not be kind if only to allay my weekness elsewhere.Yes, I have been kind to the flower vendor and today I see her sitting near another one when returning from Bank.Arun did say that Iam only to blame for the happening with the flower vendor too.

My days are becoming more boring and so Iam seeking what I never had anyway.Anonymity is a curse indeed.Iam indeed ashamed of myself.

Thinking Again

I have by mistake pressed enter and the blog got published only with the heading 'Thinking Again".Any way it brought a smile to my lips. I was actually perturbed with two interactions on net.Let me tell youabout them.One was from some chatter wanting to chat. Since I was also bored sitting in front of the computer and browsing, reading, playing literati I thought of chatting with this fellow. He showed a sexual act picture in his window asking me 'Do You want a hot chat".Later on though I found that he was really homesick( working in London) and is talking well and desisted from sexchat or such ideas after a firm 'no' from me his information that most of the people on net chat and house wives are wanting only sexchat sort of affected me I feel that the antidote to my loneliness is not chatting and then hoping that people are decent.

The next encounter was with the person who was consistently sending offlines to me by the id(soaring falcons) is actually the warrangal N.I.T.fellow.This fellow had already told me the he did peep into his friend's window to get my id.So that means perhaps my friend also is not that secretive. Must be fun for him too.

These two incidents bring me to the already sort of arrived conclusion that traffic in net is sexual in chat. Or I must have the mind to indulge and not think of it anymore if incidents like this happens I like that, that is the question. It all brings me to my very brittle resolve that I must stop having friendships in net and thinking that it is the antidote to my loneliness.I
remember now Balakumaran's writing in a novel that nothing and especially love is not an antidote to inner loneliness.

So many people are having so many activities that are beautiful and why am I with my talents unable to be like them using whatever talent I have .The conclusion is that I do have a week mind.
I intend conquering myself.I must if Iam what I think IAM.So much for the present.
.

Thinking Again

After many days....Here Again.

So here Iam again after a long time.After about one month ,the accident victim have gone from here to resume duty from coming monday.I feel somehow lonely after all those days of worry and hectic work.Iam glad that not much harm came to him though he has to be careful for somemore days when he is using his legs.

So much only today.I will write tomorrow after some rest.