A Day To Remember.

It has started being cold here.Today, I did not go walking,as house work was more.But the atmosphere at home have improved and so I expext tomorrow's trip to be interesting.It is quite sometime since I have written in this space.I hope to do so soon.Bye now.

jayamala.

A Villanelle.

A Desire.
----------------------
I had a desire.

To be like a cloud.

To wander around unfettered. 1

But I did not do it

As there were hills blocking me.

I still had that desire..............2

The hills were my self

My egoistic self'

I could endure still

To wander around unfettered......3

Where is my self?

Though fettered with my little self,

With my little desire...........4

Perhaps I can answer this,

If only Iam a little willing

To wander unfettered.

So long I came

And so still I stand,

For I had a desire,

To wander around unfettered.

A Little Late Iam.

A Little Late Iam For This Meeting,

Though I Know I Had This Planned,

Perhaps The Time Was Not Ripe,

For This meeting To Be Held.


Perhaps You Would Have Preferred,

That I MiSs This Meeting To Be,

Would You Rather Catch Me Late,

Than Be On Time And Still Be Punctual,

For Iam Breaking You Down ,

Better Break A Little Faster I thought,

Than Break Gentle And Still Bleed .

For I know What This Surgery Mean,

As I Lay Here Dying A slow Death.

Jayamala.

4th July And Muir Woods.

I went to see the 4th July fireworks at Fishermen's wharf here.It took one hour to park the car and another two hours to come out of the traffic jam after the half an hour show that lights the sky.It is done in an orderly manner.Sharp 9.30 P.M. it starts and ends at 10 pm.No noisy crackers but gentle showers of sprklers of different hues and colors and mode and patterns at two points over the sky.All watch with very less noise standing and some ooh's and ah's for splendid display.Discipline I feel we have to learn from the Americans and administration is effective.

Muir wood was seen by us in the morning session.It is the remaining portion of about 3oo acres of redwood trees.Tall trees and many trees are as old as America.Nice display with slight history even on fallen trees.There are various tracks to climb all neatly illustrated and we went only by regular trail as the timing for other sight seeing like visting stinson beach also was there.The pacific ocean was cold to bare feet and still I stood there thinking of the huge waterbody that encloses two big countries.

Just now Iam with lot of images and experiences and I will write later when I have a little time on my hand.Till then.....

Jayamala.

A Play And Some Thoughts.

I had gone to a theatre to watch, a western play staged play which was staged by American Conservatory Theater and called 'Happy End.'It was a gangster musical, by Carey Perloff and with music by Kurt Weill and well choreographed John Carafa .

I had read lots of western novels during my school days.The theater experience was really superb.The m usic was really enchanting ,with some rollicking songs and dance steps from a bygone era.It ran for about the same time like a cinema, and three hours were gone before we came out.Iam having the pamphlet in a book form for my keep. Will revert to this space again.

Jayamala.

Travel.

Iam now at U.S.a country that I had very much wanted to visit.I started from my place on Monday evening flight and reached here on tuesday afternoon by about 12.30 pm.The airflight was done by Singapore Airlines and both the jounies were comfortable.

The first leg of the journey was between Bangalore and Singapore.The Singapore Airport was lovely and there were many woody areas wherea little bit of greenary is kept showcased.Very lenghthy airport too.Since the second leg of journey starts after barely two hours between Singapore and Sanfrancisco I did not have much time at the Singapore airport.

I will describe my experiences as I become more comfortable with computer access here.

Jayamala.

Help Me,Get Up.

Help me please get up,

Help me tide over this storm.

I call you to help me please.

A call of the inebriated self.

This self just drank you giddy,

Life,an intoxicating drink.

I did not know you my self.

You can feel giddy over pleasure,

Did not know that pain follows,

Pleasure her twin sister.

So help please away from these twins,

For Iam not going to carry them,

In my womb to give birth ,

To a distorted child my worm eaten self.

No! No! I refuse,so help me please.


Jayamala.

Sporting Interests.

I was from childhood an avid fan of cricket.Like all Indians I died ,when India lost crucial games.In my cricket craze, I have hurriedly finished one paper in my law exams.It is a wonder ,how I passed that paper.

Next in priority came ,Tennis and then Hockey.I used to watch Lendl smashing people around ,and Graff sweating it out and making others sweat too.Hockey of course I watch, because I like people running around.

I got hooked to the game of Football ,when I was working and my collegue happened to talk about his craze.The 1996 world cup was going on ,and so I decided to watch and LO!!!! you have one more fan now in me ,for this supposedly most watched game of Foot Ball.And what running around do I see there?I was hooked, lock,stock and barrell,so to say.

But after the insipid performance by India, in that millenium world cup I lost interest in the game of Cricket.Now because Iam not watching India is winning,so I say to my friends.I do watch Tennis though, and so also hockey too ,though much of my enthusiasm for sporting events have gone.

But I intent watching football in this world cup event, as I want some activity to talk about at least.I had a forward of the Foot ball stadiums too by everyone connected with me in net.So the stadium I have already seen.

What about my ability to play a game?Iam sorry to say ,delightfully so too ,that excepting for carrom I do not play any games.This carrom too is a lfet over from my office days.We were having sports clubs ,and on one wet evening when going home from office became not possible, due to rains I sat for a game of carrom and learnt it.I progressed to the extent of coming to second round in carrom tournaments ,conducted by our office club too.So far and not more than that.

So! Folks the game would have started now ,and Iam hurriedly logging off now.

Jayamala.

Just like You.

It was just like you to come out,

And then do a vanishing trick.

You there?have you said ,

All the answers to my queries?

You will not,Iam sure for I know you,

You are but a blight on this heart of mine.

You should not be there,Iam sure.

A Prince can,but can a Cheat be there?

Jayamala.

A Blue Sky.

A blue sky that is seen after a rain when the sun comes out shining is best ,with white clouds floating in it.The clouds sort of enhance the blueness of the sky.Also the clouds are pretty puffy and feels like cotton rolls to sleep or sit in.I fancy sitting or just lazing on such a cloud often.Good place to rest in after a tiresome day.

A blue sky rises one's spirits too.It is fresh and your mood does go upbeat seeing the blue color.A freshly bathed tree swaying against such a background is lovely, and I wish I could capture it in canvas,though no canvas can be bigger than the canvas of our memory, when the scene is relayed through our eyes.

Always in such a scene ,I do often see dragonflies hovering in one's and two's.A cuckoo might call its notes out too hiding amongst the branches.It is as though nature has drunk the honey of life, and is reposing with contentment.Peace descends on earth too ,and all nature is in harmoney.In such a balance can I be swinging?So Iam also in equlibrium just now,with a blue sky over my head ,and a fresh earth on which I now sit and look around.

Jayamala.

A Thought For You.

This day dawns bright,

All is well with my world.

Iam back where I had been once,

With a healthy appetite for living.

I seek you so that I can create,

Once again with words beautiful,

A thought that will capture you,

I clasp you once again in these lines .

Once more as Iam alive,

I want you to make me climb all those heights ,

You made me climb in my desire.

I shut this door that bars the distraction,

My eyes ,my window to this world ,

wherein we dwelled in abandon,My Muse.

Do come with me to all those hills and dales ,

Don the colors of the nature once again,

And do come with me in total abandon.

Jayamala.

At Times.

At times I regret being not available,

When being simply there meant so much.

At times I regret speaking out,

when being silent would have been best.


At times when I was happy,

I should have shared.

For when I was unhappy,

I would then have had some one to share it.


At times when time stood still,

I must have unwoulnd myself,

For then when time was not there ,

I still would have been there for all.


Late regrets and early failings ,

does make a man and mar him.

So remember not at times but at all times,

Wisdom does become a man when he was not at times but at all times,a MAN.


Jayamala.

Compulsions.

Some of the compulsions I encounter, are creations of my own mind.Like writing here.Should I write always?Why I have this compulsion to daily see to it,, that I write?

Most of the compulsions are reported to be normal as the subconscious mind teaches the person ,so that discipline is ensured.As a result, to go to an office everyday is not treated ,as compulsive behavior.But to eat at the same hotel might be compulsive behavior ,if one is unable to entertain thoughts of going somewhere else to eat.

Compulsions are trainings of the mind ,taken seriousely.So long as one does not take a pattern as 'must' in life ,compulsions cannot develope.Also if one has a very sensitive mind then, certain compulsive patterns of behavior can be seen in most people.If you are sensitive to light when sleeping, you are cpmpulsive to develop a habit where you might even tie a band around your eyes ,for shutting out light.

Certain other compulsion, I had seen in life and which I feel one can do away with ,is the compulsion to say a goodbye speech.Why a speech? you know you are biding goodbye to the person, and that should suffice?So Prince Philip's request, that opening ceremnies are done away with ,in sports openings are to be listened to, and seen at proper light, instead being condemned.Afterall, it is a sports meet, why all the paraphernelia of opening ceremonies and closing ceremonies etc?

What are my traits, bordering on compulsions that I feel?
1)My anxiety to do every arrangement when Iam jouneying?

2)My compulsion to talk to visitors,not that Iam agianst the visitors or talking to them, but I feel I talk too much to make them comfortable.

3)Washing utensils in sink,even when only one item is there.I feel I must control this trait.I want to tak rest, and those times I must let go the work,is it not?

I do recognise some traits bordering on compulsions in me too.I must pay attention not to develop them further.

Jayamala.

A Stray Dog.

A stray dog has been around my house compound for some time now.Actually since there are not much movements around the house ,since Iam alone most of the week days t,he stray dog had his access to the inside of my compound and around the house quite easily.The next plot being vacant, it used to jump inside the wall quite easily and curl up and sleep.

Iam sort of afraid of animals, and so I used to shoo this dog away whenever I saw him.It will lurk around a little ,and if I persist with my shooing will go away only to return to the compound again.During the recent journey ,which I undertook I thought, let the dog be there as the house will be safe during my absence and did not shoo it that much.When I returned it was there, and as usual I shooed it and it went.

Now since some two weeks this dog is not to be seen.Iam now curious to know what happened to it.It is as though, it had come to ensure the safety of the house and had gone away after my return.

I remember now reading about another news that came in the newspapers ,about a beggar woman who was living in a small town and her only companions were stray dogs.She had some seven or eight I believe.I can understand that situation. The more you go higher up in the caliber of life, the more diversified are your comapnions. Still a dog does give company when one is alone.Perhaps the poor woman had a feeling of having some one to care for when the dogs surrounded her,or she felt cared for as the dogs awaited her return from begging.

Yes, life is so much doggedness ,that it can but be explained by this animal immortalised by the poet in his symbol for faithfullness.I do wish love was but a dog in real life.

Jayamala.

Conversation With The Unknown.

Iam talking to you now.I want to ask you the following questions please.

1)Why is that when I talk I tend to overstress details?Like asking twice did you phone and remind?

2)I feel distant with certain people,yet Iam trying to please them.Why should I be compelled to be like that?No one compells me,Iam being like that.

3)When night falls Iam feeling very lonely.When the sun comes next morning Iam afresh and do not care.Explain why so?

4)I meditate.But still I seek.Iam restless and I know the reason,still do not know the solution.Help me please?

5)I must forget certain pains embedded in me and certain wounds inflicted on me.What must I do?

6) Iam like aflower that awakens to its beauty but can never hopes to attain where it wants to be.What shall I do?

7)What is being one with nature?My nature or simply human nature or nature around us?

8)My favorite quote is that 'Silence is the language of God'.Is it so?If so shall I be silent too?

9)I want to be interested in the normal and the ordinary.What to do about that?

10)Let me be Oh! God!

Jayamala.

A Rainy Day.

It has started raining in this side of Karnataka.The heat is gone and mornings are cloudy with drizzles that are at hours apart.One had to take the umbrella today when going out.The rains here bring the temperature down to such an extent one has to wear a sweater sometimes.The rains are unlike in Kerala where it rains heavily nonstop and with one stroke can bring the sun shining hot and bright and the land getting dried soon,here it drizzles and keeps the land continuosely wet and the cold sets in.Suddenly you want a cup of hot coffee and wants o lie down under sheets.

A rainy day to me is time for cleaning ,and as I feel the chillness in the air ,I warm up by house cleaning.So book racks are sorted again ,and the show case made to look different and if nothing else works ,I listen to fast music and try dancing alone.The mush rooms come out in the fields outside.I do not know whether they are good to eat, as I have no idea of finding its edibility.But rains means mushrooms sprouting in fields for me.Also in my garden, I see long lost specimen coming up too.I had some lilly bulbs ,and I thought they are dead and gone and this rain, it has come with a shoot.

A rainy day also is time to watch the school children struggling with books and rain coats, and buses having wet floors and all in an irritable or silent mood.It can be either,no energy to talk or all energy to shout.Another strange phenomenon that I have observed is that when, it is about to go home in the evenings from office/workplace, it rains.Your office ends at 5.30 P.M.?The rain somehow knows and starts at 5.30 sharp.Your office at 6 P.M.? Be sure it will start raining at 6P.M.It was during such rainy seasons waiting to get home ,that I started playing the carrom board at my office games room.I even partcipated in tournaments organised at staff level.Second round or third round defeats though.Never went beyond that.

After coming home from a rainy day, it is really difficult and irritable to change. One has to change as one is wet,but one has no energy by that time.But rainy days are prelude to prosperity, and no one need say that lack of rains had the farmers on toes.But I like the earth after rains.Cleansed and fresh ,the vigour very much evident, in all that sprouts around you.

So welcome rain.Iam your fan.

Jayamala.

A Class In English.

As a student of English during my school days ,I was concerned with the art of spelling.It used to give me nightmares ,to remember that you cant write 'knife' as 'nife',where as you can write 'night',but it is not 'knight 'and also both are different.My initial endevours were directed, by one of my uncles who had alook at my school exam note books and the marks in spelling,to read everything in print and in English.So I was reading lorry headers ,as 'public'carriers and knew that 'public' it is ,and not 'pablic'.

Next was, my initiation into reading only English books.So I had a gala time reading the entire' Arabian Nights',quitely ignoring others sitting to dine with me.That was when I started knowing the pleasure of reading ,and also escaping when not being bold to face consequences of actions done, in the course of my studious life.Like, why I did not stay back for gardening at school, and why I received a'B' grade instead of the 'A' expected ,and was the norm in my household.

After this period in my life, it has been nothing but books collected during journeys, in hostels and on bus journeys and willful purchases and road side /pavement browsing and spending money.Next on a higher grade, came spending on books as offers from the' Reader's Digest'.So I have now acollection of almost 1000 books ,and Iam happily sorting and restoring whenever I feel like.

At this time I almost feel quite blissful ,and can in fact do away with my addiction to the net acquired recently.I think now about ,why should a word captivate me more than a picture?Iam not a T.V. addict.I have seen the 'World Tower' disaster carried live in C.N.N., and the T.Sunami also carried alive in all the T.V.channels live, and the rain affected Chennai and Mumbai and Bangalore .But I always go back to the imaginative presentation in a word, and rate reading in electronic mode better than watching movies on line.I feel the reason is that ,the mind always wants to involve itself.

So the more the mind is asked to take it easy ,it rebels and finds another way to involve itself.That is why a text message is advanced to a picture message ,and then a voice message and at the end you still call the people up and talk.Suppose you had sent the same person a letter with words, he could have sat and read and read again and imagined the walk with you ,and sat there in a room where the dusk is falling and after putting the lights on, start writing .Nothing equals this picture to perfection.Many poems have been written this way, and so it will be and I want words to be so in me too, a part of my personality.

Jayamala.

A Red Red Flower For You.

I was seeing all red this day,

A day of seething passion.

Me too in this melting pot,

Of anger and untold deprivation.

A flower am I seeing red ,

No respite from this glowing embers.

This passion is my mood today,

I dress in red to make me visible.

I have in my hand the weapon ,

A destructive pen to wound you my muse.

Anger at the loss of words,

Hate for you surging up in stinging words.

Does thou struggle to retain your form?

Would you rather hold forth in duel with me?

Answer will you?Iam seeing red now.


Jayamala.

Again A Flight In Fancy.

Yesterday was a day to remember, as I spoke to my friend who had not been on line for sometimes past.Reasons were not given though ,I did ask.I guess ,I know the reason.Something strange too occured yesterday.I had blogged and published too, still when I was talking to this friend and as I logged to that blog it had vanished.How could it be?Since I had not saved what I had written ,Iam unable to reproduce it.

Some how the conversation had not gone well with this long lost friend ,and again I think I know the reason.There is no more to it from that friend where as ,Iam trying to invest it with more meaning.If I desire, I had to act in taking it forward.But as I do not think it wise, Iam not going to move it forward.Also something is lost in it forever.

A fancy sometimes catches one with its fangs ,and gives untold pain.Not that one does not know the reasons ,and why the fancy lost its flight.But life seems to always move, in the same old rut however one thinks ,one is wise enough to know it is so.And it does hurt.

Iam rather wanting to do away with these fancies of mine.I have to acknowledge ,some basic truths for this doing away.One is that ,one cannot have the cake always and eat it too.At some stage ,the cake is over and only the empty plate is there.Also pain is the hind runner for pleasure experienced.So be wary when you have pleasure in any act.

Yes. Iam ready for a serene good bye.

Jayamala.

A Journey In History.

I came back today after finishing the journey I had undertaken with a relative,visiting historical places and temples in the south.The itinery was as under.

1) Tanjore---Saw first the historical Brihadkaarnyeswar temple or better known as 'The Big Temple'.Lighted 150 lights for the welfare of the entire family in front of Lord Brihadeeswar.The temple front is adorned by a big Nandi beautifully carved.Next went to see the tanjore palace where the saraswathi Mahal library is situated.The library has many old palm leave books and old manuscripts atht date back in century.Old atlas,old maps and old printing material dating back in time gave a glimpse into old history.What could have happened in those days from the eyes of a king who happened to collect some materails and keep them preserved for posterity.

2)Next visit was to the first navagraha temple meant for the 'Moon'.From there we went to Tyagaraja the singing seer of Indian(SouthIndian) Carnatic music.

3)Then to the temple for the deity called 'Eintharappan" meaning the deity for the five rivers.Here ,there is a nook from where the saptha swara can be heard when you call.The echo is quite distinct.The structure amazed me and I was thinking of that person who constructed this corner, bearing in mind the sciece of sound.The five rivers are respectively the Kaveri,Vettar,Vennar,thenar and the Iyyar.

4)On the way we went to another temple where the Goddess Durga is presiding and is called Punnai Nallar Mariyamman.

5)At this place itself another temple is devoted for Kothanda Rama with Seetha and Lakshman and Hanuman.Sugreeva also is there and all are reported to be made in saligraama stone.

6)The day being Thurseday we wanted to see Alangudi where Guru has one separate sannidi.Lot of crowd was there but we managed to see the lord.We halted at this place and next day morning went to see Oppiliappar koil and the tale is said that since Bhoomi devi was young she did not know to cook and cooked for the lord dishes without salt.So the Lord is called Oppiliappar or Uppilla appar.Lord without salt and the lord said he liked the dishes that way without salt.fter this we went to visit Thirunageswaram where Rahu ahs a temple..The main lord at all the Navagraha temples are always Siva and consort Parvathi only.The names of the main deities however differ as the people thought fit.For example at Thirunageswaram the deity is calledNaganatha swami and Devi is called Girikujambal.But Rahu, one of the Navagraha is given a separate temple in the same kshetra where the main lord is also there.

7)Next visit was to Adhi kumbeswrar temple which gives the name Kumbakonam to the town.Here the consort of the lord is called Mangalambikai.Then we went to Durgai temple on way to Papanasam which was beautiful.After worshipping here we went to the 108 Sivalinga temple which has the following history as explained by the temple authorities.When ram was returning after the war he felt that he was being followed by the "paap'of two Raksha's he had killed. So to get rid of the Paap he decided to worship Siva and asked Hanuman to bring the Siva Liga from Himaalya and meanwhile Seetha started making 100s of lingas out of mud and started pooja.By that time Hanuman returned and seeing Seetha with all the lingams put the lingam he brought down.That Lingam is the one outside the temple and inside counting the Swami there are 107 Lingams.If one worships all the Lingams the paap is supposed to have been erased.So the name of the temple as "Paapnasam".

8)Next visit was to Thirukarukkavoor where the Goddess Garbha rakshambigai is famous for giving children to those women who are deprived of bearing children.The Lord is again Siva and is calledc Mullai Vana swami.Here too the Devi has protected a woman having her confinement destroyed by the saap of a Muni.So the Devi is being worshipped strongly here.

9)While returning to Kumbakonam town again we visited Sarangapaani temple where Lord Vishnu lies lordly tp protect everyone and the deity is so beautiful and majestic.The time we went was really lucky in that we all were called to come near the deity and the priests expalined the different aspects of the Lord and showed us the feet and the abaya mudra and the place where Lakshmi sits near the Lord and the other deities around him.The Devis; name here is Komalavalli.

10)Again we saw one more temple dedicated to rama called the Ramaswami temple and the Lord with his consort Seetha and brother Lakshmana and Hanuman is beautifull and happily we worshipped them all.

11) We saw the Mahamaham tank at Kumbakonam too.Next we went to Sooryanar koil where Lord soorya has a separate temple and has all the other remaining Navagraha around him.Visiting this temple you can actaully worship all the Navagraha's at one place itself.The Lod is called Sivasooryanaraayna swami and consorts are called Chaya devi and Usha devi.However it must be mentioned that in all other navagraha temple prsiding deity is always Siva and consort.Only the graha's are worshipped specially and has prominence in rituals.

12)Next we went to Kanjanoor where Sukra or Venus has special temple.The lord is called Agneeswarar and the consort is Karpagambigai.The next place of visit was to Keezhperumpallam where Kethu has a temple.The lord is called Naganatha swami and consort is Soundara nayaki.Next on line was Thiruvenkaad where Budha has a temple.The lord here is called Swetharanyeswarar and his consort is called Brahma Vidhyambigai.In each place the worship is done following rules regarding lighting of lamps and going round the deity.

13)On the way we went to thirukadaioor where the venerable Abhirami and Lord Siva presides over innumerable sixty year plus couples who do their shashtiabda poorthy wedding, meaning completing 60 years for the man with his wedded wife.The day we went over 20 weddings were being conducted and there was the sound of Nadaswaram reminding one of wedding days.What a sweet way to celebrate!.

14)We halted at thirukadaioor for the night and went next day to Thirunallar where saneeswara has atemple.ince the day happens to be saturday there was plenty of rush here.After finishing this temple we went to vaitheeswaran koil where the Lord vaithyanatha swami and Devi Thaiyyal nayaki pesides over and gave Kuja or mars respite from his affliction in the skin.So many come here to do the ritual of worshipping Kuja and the Deities to get cured of skin afflictions.

15)Next we went to Chidambaram where the dancing Lord Siva as Nataraja is worshipped.The consort Sivakami is also beautiful to look at and we worshipped her also.

Aftr these visits we went to chennai where we aagin went to see the kapaleeswarar koil.Beautiful temple structure kept clean and the Devi looks stunning.In all these places especially in Tanjore, Vaitheeswaarn koil and Chidambaram the structures are huge and Iwas thinking of the huge festivals that could have been conducted here in far back days and the throngs of people who had stood there watching them.More in next write ups.

Jayamala.

Pain.

Pain it is that creates this urge ,to write in me.After a long time ,this pain is back with me.It glowers, like red timbers after a log is burnt out.The smoke whirls around, as thoughts in my innerspace.This space is sometimes at rest and most times churning with pain.This will not go away at these times, this urge to give shape to this pain in words.So here Iam again with the keyboard giving shape to this pain in me.

What shape shall I give this emptiness in me?,Analise?or just endure or shall I say why or what created it.Yes,I shall describe this deep chasm in me that is the result of this pain.Emptiness because I search,and what I search is not something I can get and so the unrequited aspect of a human relationship.Ever has this story been told and all the time the point of debate had been, who is the cause and how shall one endure it.Can one escape by indulging in another relationship?Can one get away with something broken and the chimes still ringing?

There has been no answers to these questions ,and more and more shadows are created by, more and more walkers on this road of human relationships.I want to tread a lonely path away from it.So Iam already away but unable to break away from the pull of the trodden path.Oh! how frail are we when in pain!

Jayamala.

A Field Trip To Somewhere.

Some of the best field trips that I remember was during my school days.I had to get permission from my parents for those trips convincing them that it was absolutely necessary that I go.Fortuantely for me my father was of the opinion that children should know how to live elsewhere and trained to do so whenever possible.So he used to allow me to go of course checking that the trip is accomapanied by school teachers and are never more than a day.This means the trip used to be of only of daytime duration and one had to be back by latest 9pm.He used to leave me at the premises where the school children are asked to assemble and also take me back when a night tired we all reach at 9 pm.

Most of these field trips used to be to dam sites and I have during my school days seen not less than four dams at least.The trips usually make us collect in the name of learning biology leaves. feathers and flowers and some nuts too and later usually a write up had to be done with the paraphernalia collected.I used to bring trivias as gifts to my siblings too.Some shells and even sands of various hues are brought home and treasured.

The trips done during my college days were rather more important acacdemically as assessment marks were there.Especially during teacher's training camps when I was doing my B.ed.there used to be acamp of fifteen days duartion during which we are asked to cook, entertain and generally conduct the camp applying learnt principles in coopeartive living.Being aknown slogger and hard worker it fell to my lot to arrange these things and I remember making my team mates wake up at early morning to ensure that we make dosa's for 70 campers.Evening entertainment was planned as a dance programme ,as fortuantely I had two dancers in my group.Then ensuring neatness and beauty in premises with decorations I had real work.But the reward came too.My group was decalred the best group, and I still remember a tired looking me with my group in a photograph taken then.The decorative piece in front of us was ,my flowervase on my box covered with an embroidered cloth and kept sideways to accentuate the photo.

Later the same dance had to be done during our teacher's day celebration and we also did a drama with the theme'Education Yesterday,Today & Tomorrow'.The river Ganges flowed with trooping dancers and on the shore Rishis and yogis taught in gurukul style, along with doctors and engineers holding deep discussions, holding equipments that are modern gadgetary. I was dressed in Gujarati style and someone else in some other dress indicating universal studenthood with freedom of expressions.

I remember all those teachers who instilled in us a confidence and who devoted their knowledge and time to us.This piece is a compliment to those teachers ,who were some times strict but because of them Iam disciplined and I have no complaints.

Jayamala.

To Be Elsewhere.

To be elsewhere, is my wish at this time.This thought is getting more intense as the days go by ,and there is nothing to do.Almost anything I do to dissuade this mind from thinking nought, gets again nothing.It sometimes bring a smile to my face ,and sometimes time and thought both weigh very much.It is at these times ,I yearn for some distarction however fragile the distraction is.I look away from my inside to the outside, and I see the fragrance blown away in an indiscrete flightof fancy ,trivia bordering the insane and the redundant.

Should I successfully force a time bound formula for these fancy flights of mine?Or should I yield to explore new frontiers in my multiple personality ,hiding from within me?However you wish, it ends up in my , seeking an unknown source as my fountain of peace.Watching news ,and following the election trail of a budding leader, I think what did he see?He passes on representaions to the deputy behind and that deputy in return might do the same.I feel electioneering is really draining a person of good intentions.You can only do a certain amount, and that does require a life time and so go about it quietely, wont you? I ask this leader in my thoughts.Will he hear me?Perhaps!.Anyway it does not matter to me.

Watching this megamovie of yester year again , I was unable to complete it and I lie in dark welcoming the power off as it gave time for just emptiness, and closing my eyes shut I listened to the rain pouring down.Opening the window to this rainy night, I soaked in the pure breeze flowing in.It is better this way , this chattering that goes on in my mind.I could shut my eyes forever and listen you know ,and I will listen as listening in, Iam attuned to this self called me.

Jayamala.

A Rain Comes Thundering In.

A little drop at first,

A little pool at the side,

A little stream washing by,

A lttle music splashing about.


Today the rain came ,

in splendour with flashes ,

and heralded by a thunder.

the pool was soon a stream,

The music a loud swish of the swaying trees,

Oh!the rain came today in torrents.

amidst the swaying branches ,

amongst the wet branches,


A bird sat wet and shivering,

the deluge was on and the bird so afraid,

life! a stream of little drops ,

and the ocean but all drops gathered.



You afraid little bird?

Thec rain comes in drops but is a deluge later,


sit still will you?you might wait a little more,

For conclusions are but amatter of contest


And to each a deluge is different,

For the rain comes pouring ,


yet stops when the clouds are empty

and the rain does cleanse the earth.

So shall you be when ,

all the ways are trodden and the journey is done.

Jayamala.

A Simple Story Well Told.

Iam reading Chetan Bhagath's'Five Point someone', a little late.I had already read his unexpected hit'One Night @ The Call Center'.Immaterial of what critics will call and judge him ,I find this writer quite a story teller.It is like an ordinary day ,with all the characters ,who are none but 'us' in his stories.

I can relate to his students ,who have to cram and who wants respite from exams and miniscule tests.I have recently found another novel by Grisham called"The Broker' also interesting.If I usually proceed without stopping once a story is begun ,and do not look at the back for its conclusion, I consider that author as good.Simple rating by my attention captivated.

I did read Jeffry Archer's 'false Impressions' also before beginning Grisham, and that too is well written against the 9/11 happenings.Though Iam able to read these novels easily, I have not moved forward with reading'Ayn Rand's'Romantic Manifesto",wherein she does give some clues as to writing.Overall ,if there is a story and if the characters are developed accordingly, one must be able to create a good novel.It is not that language, and style does not count.But a knowledge of the language in which we write, should give the flavor of the character and settings.

If, for example one has lived all the while in India ,and wishes to have a setting in U.S.A? I think it will be difficult.Why U.S.A.?Even a setting in another district in India will be difficult.So one must not attempt to write ,what one is not familiar with.At least to a ceratin extent knowledge of the location, in which the characters are placed is necessary.So ,what is the role of imagination here in writing?One has that ,when one deals with the charcters themselves and their feelings and interactions with one another.Here imagination has to be used.I remember Ayn Rand saying, that a certain level of steadfastness is necessary when characterisation is done.So you cannot have Alok speaking Hari's lines,to quote two characters in Bhagath's fiction.

Iam writing too,but have to develop what I write here as advise.But I do know that writing is also a feeling ,that is similar to painting or singing or sculpting.You have to have a muse inside you pushing you to write and then you will.Where is my muse?I seek her afresh now.

Waiting.

There was an impending storm ,and the heated earth waited for the rain to come.Have you ever seen how the rain clouds build up?.I was watching it yesterday .The sky turned grey and the lights around had a strange old gold look. Then suddenly the rain drops started falling.It was not heavy ,this rain yesterday,as when it rained in torrents last time.I watch it from all the available view ,by looking from my room window and from the street and from the backayard.

The rain has this effect on the next day in my city.Next day you see all the roads washed clean and the trees green and fresh.The park garden where I walk with my friend will look stunning with coolness all around.I think in a way this possibility in nature that it can rejuvanate itself, with only a little rain teaches us something.All the heat of this summer had scorched this earth, and with a litle rain for which it waited, it healed itself and emerged fresh and invigorated.

So wait for that little rain will you my mind ?that is scorched with the innumerable words chattering its way up and out as my feelings!You do not know what gift you will get, if only you know how to wait.A call will come that will surely end this journey ,and you might be at the destination wherein all the waiting was rewarded.

And then another journey begins.

Jayamala.

A Rain comes with thunderstorm.

Today the day was extremely hot ,and then by evening ,as I was drying my clothes after wash ,I found the clouds gathering black and foreboding rain.I had actually an engagement to go out with my sister-in-law to my friend's house, and I cancelled it, predicting rain.I quickly removed the cloths, and hung them inside the house.

And Lo!!!! the rains did come ,and it rained reasonably well with accompanying thunderstorms.Now also ,as Iam writing this it is raining outside and it is beginning to cool. A situation in life also is like that.Once it is faced ,and the consequences known, or fought against is no more a terror.

But just now when I write this ,am thinking of why do we have to be perturbed often?Why are we hating situations.Deep inside, human beings have this hate ,and it is shown when hurting people.What is the anlysis of this pshche?Iam not a psychiatrist, and I think that the reason is , deep down we resent facing situations that are unpleasnt.So when my freedom is curtailed ,because of the presence of a guest ,whom I really do not respect that much I resent his/her presence ,warranting me to be courteous to him/her.Iam tired ,and I find that someone who is there, does not lend me a hand and instead is just watching me do things.It creates a hatred, that I show by pretending not to listen to the person when there is some interaction.

What is the remedy to this nascent fire in the human being?Only knowing ,that a human being is not exactly all honey and suagr and deep down he can be a little venom waiting to spit it out with his fangs.

The rain has stopped now .Only the lightening flashes with a thunder, that is slowly less audible.Oh! The suppressed mind can you be like that?

A Silence In My Mind.

I have a silence in my mind today.I know why Iam silent.Iam waiting for that touch that soothens me and the harmony that fills me with longing.Where is my muse and why is it silent?I have no answers for this question.

Whenever I was in this mood,I used to get an answer.Today perhaps I will get that answer?Or is that touch, that was my harmony is going to be ever silent?

Again I have no answer to the tortured mind.The heart yearns and the heart must know what it should know,still Iam silent and the silence in me pervades this cahttering desire to be one with my muse.Oh! what an exquisite pain I feel and why am I shivering in ints onset?Perhaps when I wander long enough and feel this pain long enogh I might get an answer.Shall I wait then?Yes you shall says my destiny and here Iam waiting for you.

Jayamala.

A Thought For You.

A usual day with the sun biting me hot,

A usual day with the daily routine,

A usual day where everyone was going about,

A usual day that was about to end,

But I was about to meet you!

And it was about to become an unusual day for me.


I just looked at the swaying trees in a gentle breeze,

I was watching the birds in flight returning home,

I was watching the orange sunset seeking to paint the world gold,

And you came walking through the winding walk in an oval park,

Busy you were talking with your friend,

And I watched the swaying tresses falling behind,

The world to me was then painted gold indeed.


The sunset was done and the birds had reached home,

But Iam yet to go home my sweet dream,

The park became my home and the tresses my canvas ,

And here Iam sitting in a lonely parkbench,

With nothing to hold but you my dream.

Back from a journey

I came back last thursday from the journey.My sister-in-law has also come.Tomorrow again Iam having guests for weekend plus Mayday holiday here.Again day after tomorrow some more guests.

I was talking to my sister-in-law about the various aspects of keeping ourselves in equilibrium.She had suffered recently a depression warranting treatment with a psychiatrist.So I was interested in talking to her about the various methods available and the right attitude to keep with regard to stress in life.

Follow some destressing activity including meditation , any method if you are convinced.Otherwise follow only what you feel you can do as otherwise the following itself of a method stresses you.

It is essential that the method chosen is simple and easy to keep in touch on a daily level.For example if one is to choose some activity that needs lot of extra effort like travelling involving other people's help then that activity has to be avoided as you cannot always depend on others.

Do small activities like even growing a plant and watering the garden and even house cleaning.Recently one study has said that women finds satisfaction when they keep their house well cleaned.

Go for a walk and create a group that you can relate to.Evening walks makes you have some interaction with others of same age group and finding that one is not alone with stress helps in recovery.

Have fun cooking something not tried by you for others in one's home.A well appreciated meal is a great healer of wounds and disappointments in life.

Be one with God and your own thoughts for some time at least in a day.So pray and when praying talk to Him to give you strenghth to go through this life.

Read jokes.I like forwards in computer and net friends because of this.

Write your own thoughts.Even this space here is a healer.

Be happy and contented.

Jayamala.

A Journey Again.

Iam again on a journey from tomorrow.I will be back after about a week and when Iam coming back a guest can be there with me.In that case I may not be writing till I get some time to do so.Any way Iam doing away with all compulsions ,so Iam doing away with the compulsion to write also.But it is hard at times and I miss writing if prevented for many days.

Some journeys are tedious, as when undertaking the journey there are innumerable obstacles.All the obstacles are surmounted and even then sometimes the journey does not give you pleasure.The reasons are often phisical weariness and mental weariness and relatonship weariness.If the company is good then the weariness is overcome and there is pleasure in the journey.

A journey called life also is like this only.Pleasurable, if the comapny is good and weary if the mind gets flustered and disjointed.So long, farewell and I hope it is temporary, this farewell.

Jayamala.

An Evening In An Unknown Space.

An Evening In An Unknown Space.
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This was my mind that I called as the unknown space.

Reason?I did not know where I was.

An evening is to me an end of the day.

So the evening indicates the end of chaos.

Coming to think of it, the space I called my mind

Was not so unknown to me.

So I know that Iam having the ability to end the chaos.

What is this chaos?

A confusion as to what I presupposed to be a space called mind.

So here Iam looking at an evening in my known unknown space.

Jayamala.

Some Irritable Mess.

Iam sorry about some happenings today.This happening has a background.It relates to my chat friend, who have probably have allowed his password to be known and must have shared the talks with me with his friends.

Now he finds that he is sort of out of favour with the group, and so has his messenger peeped in and may be ,he had other friends and he could have behaved in a manner that makes him a butt for jokes by his friends.

This friend now wants me not to talk to some of his group mates ,one of whom talks to me through messenger.He is now going through a messy period.I have a sneaking suspicion that probably the other friends are threatening with the idea that they might reveal his true colors to me.This suspicion is due to the repeated instruction/request to me not to talk to that one friend .

This makes me think that the poor fellow feels ,I will be given data to show his true colors.Iam actually as I write this am smiling.Youth is so vulnerable.I can almost guess his fault ,and Iam sure it is going to be something, which I must have encountered in innumerable youngsters.

But I do find the instructions from this young friend to be inrritating.So Iam calling this a mess.I do feel all messy happenings can be cleared, if only people talk to each other with confidence.Just now I find this friend a bit sickening, though Iam sorry to say so.

Some Thoughts On An Impending Good- Bye.

There was no net for three days ,as one day it rained heavily here,and then the service provider had moved on subsequent days.The net came yesterday at 11.30 p.m. and as I was sleepy I did not write here.

Iam likely to travel this coming week and also the second week of May.So again some gaps in writing will be there.After that, by the end of June I might altogether will be in another country if the visa is granted for six months.So again, though I might be able to log in to a computer and write, some days might pass before Iam comfortable enough to use the facilities at the place of visit.

This June visit does make me say goodbyes to some friends of mine here.Friends who have been giving me good times and friends who have stopped being too close and friends with whom I have stopped relating.

One friendship does give some difficulty in parting as the friendship was sincere and it has undergone some change of hues recently due to both of us deciding to let it be so.I gave the impending June journey to this friend first, and natuarally some upset had been noticed by me.

By writing here, Iam actually answering some queries on change of relationship due to time and just because one moves away.Change is the norm of the world and in all the relationship in the world.If we perceive a ceratian relationship then it is there.If we perceive a difference in this relationship ,most times it means that one or the other had wanted movement away and had acted to create this change.Either way the change is in one's self only.

What about the pain of parting?Again the pain is because one wanted to go back in a relationship where the change has occured.Also perhaps one has cared ,so created this pain.All relationships will change, and even if one perceives the change and want to go back to previous position, the movement has occured and so the change is inevitable.Once you realise this aspect of life there is no more pain, and a goodbye is just a movement either in thought or in space.

Jayamala.

Serene spaces.

Some of the most serene spaces I know are always in natural settings.Nature must be giving serenity to everyone.Otherwise why even the most posh hotels have their exclusive spaces surrounded with greenery.So ,green is the colour of peace.You nestle in the lap of mother earth and you are at peace.Most of the tours that are favored are tours that take you away from this hot and concrete structured earth.The day man discovered concrete his peace floundered I think.

I have gone with my friend when working at an office nestling in the western ghats and surrounded by coffee plantations to a simple street called Galibeedu where there are innumerable glow worms float with the lights all aglow at night.Since night buses are less there ,we had to return after being there for a while.But we did see them all aglow.

The same friend was also like me finding peace amidst nature.So we used to walk amidst the hills in the evening ,though the villagers used to gape at us wandering around.In february the mist used to be so thick that one will not be able to see two feet ahead.I used to get milk by going in this mist and I feel that chillness even now.Fresh and beautiful chill it was.Scented with the wooden musk from the trees.

Living in a city now, Iam a little fortunate in having a street where the trees are not cut away by the residents and now it flowers yellow and like a
carpet ,the blooms lie soft at your feet.Also a gentle breeze blows always when the windows are open.You do see some birds too unlike in other places around the city.By doing away with planting friut trees we did away with birds too.To eat the friuts the birds would have come at least.

I think when planting trees on roads the city planners should take into account the depth at which the trees had to be planted so that when the tree grows big it will have enough depth to stand on.Falling of trees can be avoided by such forethought.Also the planting should be at the other side of the street where the electricity wires are not overhead.This will prevent work to the electricity board which has to cut and maitain the trees.

More and more of airconditioners might perhaps make a generation that might not know natural breeze,and I shudder at this thought.Already city children do not know from where rice grains come,unless a studious one questions the teacher and an intelligent and caring teacher does show an experiment growing rice on a pot atleast.

I have also come across some wide meadows that roll green spaces for some miles.Seeing some hills denuded and devoid of trees and full of stunted growth I feel where have all the people gone?Have there ever been people living at these places?Some places does look as though people were living at those places earlier.I have heard that a civilisation dies when a river dries up.Yes, I can imagine that.So the remedy is to grow greenery wherever such things are possible and try to go around a tree instead of making a way by cutting it down.Will you?

Me And Words.

Iam quite wordy on some days.On those days I just talk, talk and talk.Later on I go silent and think why did I talk so much.Mental alert exhibiting itself or empty shells clinking together?

I do this especially when Iam asked to entertain and am in charge of a group.In order to make people comfortable I do choose topics ,make people talk.Do I detest this trait in me?I usually dont but when someone from my family points out and tells me Iam overdoing this making other people comfortable biz, Iam forced to think.

Once, reading a management author who had handled well known personalities I did an analysis as per instructions in that book.After doing everything mentioned there I arrived at the conclusion that Iam probably very lonely inside and hence the talking spree.

What do I do to change the habit?My frank answer is that I do not do anything. Whatever I do to break the trait is done only for two days and after that on a bright sunlit day like today I do it again.

So what is the moral of this write up?I feel sunny today talk, Ido not feel sunny today hide and dont be seen at all.

Jaya.

A day of quite solitude.

Today dawned quite and still with a slight breeze blowing though it was extremely hot as usual.I went for my meditation sitting and came back feeling light. Lot of thoughts were going out of my conscious self.

Iam not having any company just now for passing time. I did not phone anyone too.I read a little but the novel that Iam about to finish had not been finished today too.Iam waiting with a quite anticipation for the day to pass on.

The death news and the paraphernalia accompanying such celebrity did not interest me and so I did not watch T.V.specifically for news.

The movie that I left unfinished watching had been completed by me though.I feel Iam at the pinnacle of some innate change.But I must wait again and endure this phase of unending wait for such change.

Talking to one relative on the net today who was talking of spirituality etcetra I felt he is yet to be where Iam. I do not relate to him. I must end this search for relativity too with anyone.

When Iam singing in the group I do relate to the virtues of the higher self.The difficulty had been to keep the higher self always.I slide always down and in one way may be the trip in the offing might just make me alright.

Iam WAITING.

A Day Of Mixed happenings.

Today it was a day of many happenings for me.To narrate it one by one follow me down.

1)The Kannada matinee idol who was kidnapped by Veerappan died today of heart attack.

2)I shopped before this news came and bought an old type kerosene lamp just like that.I liked its looks and so wanted it.Anyway power cut on and lights are gone and welcome kerosene lamp that looks cute.

3)I had a very bad mail from one of my online friends,and it does not matter as I do not take the matter mentioned to heart.I know he is bad and is chatting only as time pass.Every time he does an act that is not gracious he tries to make it up by excusing himself and try shifting the blame to the other. I have noticed it before. I have decided not to respond anyway.

4)I had a beautiful mail from some one who cares.The minute he writes I know I will be happy.What a different one from the one above!It also speaks loads about how immature Iam in knowing who actually is with me and my own character of always not trusting that the care is there.Every time I start feeling about his not keeping in touch I get a mail or a card. I believe that tarrot reading which said that Iam like this because of my past experiences. Must be true.

5)I wrote a poem today and responded too to the above.Iam Happy, Happy.and smiling.Oh! God!Thank you and let me read this piece whenever Iam in doubt.

What is this thing called love.

I was thinking today of this very well explored topic and thought I will also have my say on the topic.When one is young love is mostly attraction born out of adoration that we receive from some one to whom we also hold a secret admiration.In case it is maturing as a beautuful friendship with shared interests and a wish to be with each other always the love is blossomed into a beautiful finish.

Suppose the love that one had turned to be only skin deep and is really a desire that could not be curbed then it is only something that has to be dumped at one stage or not by both with perhaps lots and lots of heartburn.

So what is this thing called love? I think there are shades in love too.Love that hurts, love that is immature and love that is foolish and love that is happy and uplifting.

Two days of relaxation.

All the guests are gone.Both(there were two) went by 1.30 bus and so I did not see them off at the bus stand.

Yesterday I took a c.d. for all to see and I liked the movie.(Page 3).Though I had read the review of this movie somehow I did not see it.The movie is about journalism in different aspects and with celebrities and their celebrations thrown in with some dances.

It ran well I heard.I took them for my usual walk too and since I met my friend I asked them to be on their own some time and chatted with my friend.Bought some vegetable puffs and potato buns and cakes too to eat.In all everyone was feeling so conforatable and happy that the power failure did not matter and we all sat in the stair case and chatted on different subjects.In all quite and happy two days spent away from my usual lonely days.I do feel relaxed.